He’s BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
From WWE.com:
The Undertaker confronted Brock Lesnar
Brock Lesnar, despite his demands to the contrary, is not the No. 1 contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. However, The Anomaly received the first-ever “open contract” to name his own opponent at WrestleMania 30. With Paul Heyman, as ever, acting as his mouthpiece, The Beast Incarnate condemned the offer as little more than a “consolation prize” for a Superstar who demanded nothing less than history to conquer.
Enter The Undertaker. The gatekeeper of WrestleMania’s sole, unbroken winning streak returned after nearly a year’s absence and got right in the face of The Beast Incarnate, to the overwhelming delight of a raucous live crowd in Green Bay. Lesnar immediately put pen to paper and offered The Deadman the opportunity to sign as well – which he did, in a fashion. The Phenom drove the pen through the back of Lesnar’s hand and chokeslammed him through a table, leaving him so dazed he refused to answer Renee Young’s questions on WWE Network’s Backstage Pass. Signed in blood and set for The Show of Shows. The devil himself couldn’t have asked for more.
Well, there you have it. What started as a staredown at UFC121 in October 2010 has finally been set in motion. I don’t know that I’m thrilled with the idea – Bork isn’t the guy he once was, and I’m not sure he’s all that up for the kind of work needed to make this match work the way it’s supposed to.
I am really hoping that Paul Heyman can legitimately work as a go-between and keep things on track.
On the other hand – fucking stoked that at least WrestleMania will have an Undertaker match! Because there is going to come a day when it won’t, and … that doesn’t even bear thinking about.
So! Let’s on with the digitals, shall we?
Undertaker 24 February 2014 – Brock Lesnar’s WrestleMania 30 open contract signing: Photos
As I said, this started out with Paul E. and Bork. Frankly, I fast forwarded through most of it.
Funny thing is, most of the arguments Paul makes about Bork should be made about DBryan – get this abortion of a title shot between Randy Orton and Botchtista out of the way now, and let DBryan go on to face the winner at WrestleMania.
Also, Paul E. has lost his mullet!
Then Heyman utters the fateful words: “You will give Brock Lesnar history to conquer, or speak the name Brock Lesnar and WrestleMania together no more!”
You know what they say, Paul E. – be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.
“Without warning, a sudden gong fills the air … ”
Told you!
” … and The Undertaker returns to WWE.”
Dear god in heaven, who designs these coats?
That said?
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Welcome back, ‘Taker! We missed you!
And he’s looking good too! Ministry-era beard – yep, that’s a keeper! (And yes, I know it’s dyed – shush. We gingers go white way early, and as a ginger, I am a strong proponent of hair dye. As for me calling the ‘Taker a ginger? Well as fellow Aussie and fellow ginger Tim Minchin puts it, in a haunting song about prejudice called … Prejudice – “Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger!” And Tim knows of which he speaks – he’s another ginger who wears guy-liner! -snickering-)
As expected, the crowd essentially took the roof off – this particular “part timer” is always welcomed back!
Still boggling over the coat though …
“The Anomaly is stunned to see The Phenom.”
He is? I guess that whole “hands over the mouth” thing says that – it’s a little hard to tell with Bork, because he’s generally an expressionless lump.
But I will say one thing for him – he’s at least gotten in shape. When he made his big comeback, was it two years ago? The man was pudgy and out of shape. He looks like he’s been hitting the gym this time.
This moment? Still gives me goosebumps. Even after all these years.
Oh yeah, ‘Taker’s ready. And looking less careworn than he did last year – probably because last year, he was honestly grief-stricken over Paul Bearer’s passing.
This year – you’re getting The Deadman.
… wearing a coat with what looks like a goddamn waist-cincher around his middle! Seriously? Did they hand costume design over to a group of people with a kinky leather fetish or something?
Now, the digitals don’t show it nearly as well as my big screen TV does, but Pats and I were talking (read: hypering one another into a ‘Taker frenzy) and it looks like ‘Taker’s had some touch ups done on his ink since last year. They’re looking sharper and clearer!
You know, with that complete lack of neck, Bork could be a professional rugby player. I’m just saying is all.
.. the fuck is going on with that coat of ‘Taker’s though? It’s got fucking leather ruffles! -facepalm-
(And again, smack back in the middle of the digitals – an ad for the WWE Network! Newsflash, WWE: for a great many people around the world – you know, outside the US. Yes, it exists – look it up some time. Well, a lot of those people have no access to cable, and they rely on WWE.com as their only source of WWE programming. Seeing as you make sure your Hulu and YouTube content is only available in the US. And hell, strange as it seems, some of those people still rely on dial-up internet and can’t even watch streaming video. So the write ups and digitals are all they have got. Trust me, I know this from my own time in the no wrestling wilderness. And guess what? Those people? Can’t even buy your precious bloody WWE Network, because you aren’t making it available to anyone outside the States – you know, the rest of the fucking world – until some unknown date maybe in 2015. So your saturation advertising like this? Only pisses us off. Quit it, already. [/end rant])
“Undertaker and Lesnar come face-to-face.”
Just like they did before UFC121 …
And ‘Taker doesn’t even have to say a word. That’s just how good he is.
-shudders- Seriously, Bork is creepy. Those little piggy eyes …
“Lesnar signs the contract, then forcefully pushes the pen into Undertaker’s chest … ”
Well, there’s your first mistake Bork!
“Instead of signing the contract, The Phenom rams the pen down into Lesnar’s hand!”
Fucking brilliant!
Yeah, I’ll just bet that hurt!
But ‘Taker wasn’t done yet! The hood came off and it was on!!
“Undertaker chokeslams a stunned Lesnar through the signing table.”
And holy crap, did he get some height on that chokeslam or what?
Ah, contract signings – they never end well, do they? 😉
Bork comes to the belated realisation that this might just have been a bad idea. Took a while for that to seep through his lizard brain, obviously, but better late than ever, amirite? 😉
That’ll teach you not to shove a pen into the ‘Taker’s chest! The big dog is back in the yard!
“The Deadman has emphatically sent his message: he will see Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania 30!”
Thus giving me a reason to buy the PPV – finally!
You think we could get a new coat before then? Because this one just isn’t doing it for me!
This man, though? Oh yeah, he’s definitely doing it for me! Gods, have I missed him!
He’s got a few miles on him, true, but there’s very damn few can touch him in terms of sheer presence.
“Heyman is shocked by the carnage in the ring.”
Really? -snickering- Ah Paulie, I love ya!
This will always give me chills!
“After Raw went off the air, WWE officials, medical staff and Heyman tended to Lesnar in the ring during Raw Backstage Pass, which can be seen exclusively on WWE Network.”
At least until people work out that the on-demand library is still going to be a boggy cesspit that never works properly, that the 24/7 live stream content will become endless replays of the same shit, and that they aren’t getting every PPV live – they’re getting it a day later. When they will promptly abandon the place in droves, or after trying their week free, decide that they couldn’t be bothered with the thing and don’t buy it in the first place.
Then it’ll end up on WWE.com. Going on record with that prediction now!
WWE.com has the video here … and they’ve thoughtfully provided two videos for this segment. First, there’s Paul E., magnificent as always on the mic, while Bork stands there looking like … nothing good. And then this part – the best part. When the gong sounds, the audience blows the roof off and the Undertaker returns!
And honestly? There’s no commentary I can come up with that matches the joy of seeing ‘Taker back on my TV so just enjoy the hell out of it!
WWE.com has a poll here on who’s gonna win at WrestleMania – no-brainer, right? And hey, funnily enough – you know how I always refer to the 85% of the WWE Universe who are dumber than a bag of hammers? Well please god, prove me wrong – when I voted, 85% said ‘Taker would win! Let’s hope the 85% were the 15% who thought Bork could win …
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The Brothers of Destruction 