From WWE.com:
Daniel Bryan def. Kane
If Daniel Bryan can’t have The Authority’s crown jewel in the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, he has made it clear that he wants a piece of The Authority itself, challenging Triple H to a match at WrestleMania. But if he can’t have that – and according to Triple H, he can’t – he’ll have to settle for a one-on-one match with WWE’s Director of Operations and Bryan’s former tag team partner, Kane.
The two former World Champions were a long way from hugging it out in Green Bay; Bryan targeted Kane’s right knee, The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations zeroed in on the “Yes!” man’s already-aggravated shoulder, and they were both a mess before long. Bryan, as ever, powered his way into the advantage in a display of what he’s capable of doing to anyone The Authority throws at him. He kicked out of one chokeslam, escaped a second one and finally obliterated Kane with a running knee to close the match.
The only thing stronger than Bryan’s efforts were his words after the match, in which he labeled Triple H a “coward” and demanded he honor the WWE Universe’s wishes to see the two collide at The Show of Shows. Will Triple H say … “YES”?
Now, as you’re aware, I was just the teensiest bit excited about Raw this week. If you’re not aware of this, may I suggest you check out this post first? Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back! 😉
Okay? See what I mean? Now, I’m not going to cover old ground much. I’ll be reporting just the facts, as evidenced by the digitals, the video and seeing all of this awesomeness on my big screen TV! 😉
Let’s begin, shall we?
Kane 24 February 2014 – Daniel Bryan vs. Kane: Photos
“Bryan’s opponent is his former Team Hell No partner, WWE’s Director of Operations, Kane.”
So, finally, we get a Corporate Kane entrance. Kinda disappointed – I like the stripping that goes with a “Surprise, I’m your opponent!” match.
And the elbow pads do distract from the whole “Fuck this, let’s rumble!” vibe that the wifebeater alone gives.
I do get the wrestling boots under the dress pants – I’m sure that’s much safer for everyone than rumbling in dress shoes.
But damnit, I liked the whole “Fuck this, let’s rumble!” thing!
That being said … I’ll crawl over hot coals for the man in that wifebeater, with the perky nipples poking through it, and the armpit hair and the testosterone he’s exuding probably got half the women in the first five rows pregnant!
Ahem.
Moving on!
😉
The Beard seemed a little fired up – wonder why?
-giggling- It was at this point that Kane did in fact exclaim, “Ow!” and “Get him off me!” I think it was a ploy – Corporate Kane is no pussy!
He does still have an absolutely delectable ass though! 😉
And hey, those pyro cannisters – were they a ruse? Because I never saw him set them off – or was that an actual, honest-to-god WWE App exclusive?
Poor baby! You need someone to kiss a boo-boo better? Line forms behind me! 😀
“Kane targets Bryan’s injured shoulder.”
Hey, fair’s fair, DBryan – you went after Kane’s leg, he goes after your shoulder. Bet that hurts worse!
-whimpers- Those shoulders … all those rippling muscles!
Oooh! I liked this bit – Kane getting all growly and demanding the referee “Ask him!” That’s our monster!
And I loved him hurling DBryan into the steel steps!
Seriously, the man is just ripped, isn’t he?
“Laughing off Bryan’s challenge (to The Authority earlier), there was nothing funny about The Authority’s decision to put Bryan into a match against Kane.”
But it’s not really going anywhere, is it? Except to the path that apparently caused Punk to take his bat and ball and go home – which is a match against Triple H at ‘Mania.
It’s a piss-poor consolation prize though, coming in a distant third to a match against ‘Taker (which will always be the headline match, no matter what else is on the card, and god forbid you have to follow it, because you can’t), or the nominated headline match for the straps (which, pardon me for noticing, have yet to be unified – Randy’s still carrying two of the bloody things around, and calling it the “WWE World Heavyweight Championship” is a bloody mouthful and a half).
Now I know Triple H’s ego will insist that any match with him is the true headliner, but what does it prove? DBryan’s brilliant in the ring, but there’s no way Triple H is letting him go over. So Kane is tasked with “getting him ready” for Triple H – which logically should result in a beaten and injured DBryan ultimately triumphing over Triple H on the grandest stage of them all.
And getting what? There’s no title at stake. No number one contender’s spot.
So DBryan will go through all this stuff with Kane and get beaten at ‘Mania. Fans will be pissed and will boo the shit out of everything, with the possible exception of ‘Taker’s match, because this isn’t the heel coming out on top – that’ll be Botchtista getting the straps.
This will be how the little guy, the everyman of wrestling, never getting a fair shot because assholes like Triple H and his bitch wife run the place and refuse to give him one. Art imitates life.
And where does it leave Kane? If they were smart, they could have kept Kane away from DBryan, except to interfere and prevent him from winning. You know, how they were going to go with Punk before he quit in disgust.
Then they could have had a brilliant match between DBryan and Kane at ‘Mania. The abused against his abuser. Former team mates, now enemies. Frustrated at not being able to actually beat the shit out of one another because Kane can’t touch a superstar, and DBryan can’t get the match he wants against Kane – all at The Authority’s direction.
Match stip is that if DBryan can beat Kane, he gets what he wants – a title shot. If not? Well then it’s back of the line, buddy.
Every one of these matches could have been skipped and instead, we could have had an absolute blow out at ‘Mania, with something meaningful on the line.
Now? I’m convinced the Creative process involves the writers flinging shit at a wall and seeing what sticks, frankly.
All of which depresses the shit out of me, so I’m going to focus on the positive. Which is Kane in a wifebeater, looking luscious and fuckable. And being extremely inspirational in a fiction sense.
So there! :-p
Jesus, he really does look like a brawler in the wifebeater!
And I get to see rippling muscles. And forearms. I’ve missed the epic forearms. And the little fuzzy hairs on them, which push my buttons in an odd way!
Jesus, those shoulders! Freakin’ edible looking!
Okay, I’ll admit it – much as I love Corporate Kane, damn I’ve missed seeing him in the ring!
And a large part of missing him in the ring is seeing that physical dominance. There’s a world of difference between knowing there’s a monster under that suit, and seeing it.
And he’s just so fucking good at it! He’s strong and athletic and graceful and … yeah. This is what he was born to do.
(And fuck me, halfway through the bloody digitals and there’s an ad for the WWE Network? Give it a rest, WWE!)
-gigglefits- I’m sorry, but this looks for all the world like Kane’s protecting the family jewels! Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for that, but it just looks so funny!
Plus, it goes with that “Fuck that, let’s rumble!” vibe. Cos when you strip off your business shirt and tie to bust open some heads outside a club, chances are you aren’t wearing a jock strap to keep your boys safe!
Damn, seeing him go for a pin in that wifebeater is hot! Legs all sprawled apart like that … my already overactive imagination is whirling!
“Bryan rallies back against The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations.”
I’m sorry, against who? What the actual fuck? Look, he’s The Devil’s Favourite Demon … when he’s being a demon. You know, in the tights and wearing the mask. In the suit, he’s just WWE Director of Operations.
Please, don’t try to mash the two of those together. It’s awful. It’s awkward. It’s stupid.
There’s a reason his mask is in a glass display case backstage – to symbolise how the Demon is retired … oh why am I bothering? If the morons who are supposed to be writing this can’t keep their stories straight, how the hell are the rest of us supposed to keep up?
Have to put this out there – DBryan doesn’t actually need Kane to “get him ready” or “put him over”. He’s done that on his own. Kane’s just maybe adding a buff and polish to the product.
And between them, they are giving away a match that could be top billing on a PPV.
Dunno how many brawls feature a flying goat though! 😉
“The WWE Universe’s cheers provide Bryan with all the motivation he needs to recklessly propel himself towards Kane.”
Incoming!
And we’re back to rippling shoulder muscles …
And flying goats!
Sprawling monsters …
Ouch!
Yanno, if I came across Kane laid out like that, I think my expression would be much like DBryan’s! “Oh yeah, score!!”
Um.
That came out way filthier than it sounded in my mind!
Moving on!
There’s a line there about diving right on in, but I ain’t touching it!
…
Jesus, this is all heading gutter-wards at an alarming rate of knots!
“Kane fits Bryan with a bone-jarring chokeslam.”
Holy hells, the height he got on that!
And rippling shoulder muscles …
“Incredibly, Bryan manages to kick out of the pin.”
Oh this part was priceless! Kane looks up at referee John Cone with this disbelieving expression and holds up three fingers. Telling the story without a word – the guys in the back should be taking notes.
And John Cone, proving he’s got balls, is telling Kane, no, it was only two.
And I thought we were going to get a Kane tanty! He looked pretty pissed!
And again, not a word spoken – storytelling 101. Brilliant!
“After a running knee to Kane’s head, Bryan pins Kane for the victory.”
Now see, that finish could have gone over gangbusters at ‘Mania for a number one contender’s spot. But no, they pissed away a brilliant match on Raw.
And pardon me for saying so, but man, I’d give my eye teeth to be sprawled over Kane like that! 😉
Then DBryan starts hyping the match against Triple H at ‘Mania, so I guess that’s what it’ll come down to. And then what does Kane get?
-sigh-
WWE.com has the video here and right away I’ve got beef – the legend says “Daniel Bryan finally gets his opportunity to face Corporate Kane inside the ring.” Um, excuse me, that happened last week – this is a rematch. Or a chance to settle the score for the Elimination Chamber. Sheesh …
Anyway, we pick up the action with a flying goat and a sprawling monster!
In fact the first minute and a half has enough Kane flat on his back for it to be a porn movie!
The DBryan pushes his luck and dives right into a big old goozle at around 1:50!
Watch at around 2:00 for the reaction from Kane as DBryan kicks out – I swear, it’s priceless!
Also, at that moment, they zoom in for a close up on Kane’s face and … stubble. And my ovaries a’splode. Man, I love me some stubble!
Fifteen seconds later and a certain Director of Operations is very close to needing to be put in a time out for a temper tantrum! -giggling!-
But when DBryan goes for the Yes Lock, that’s just wall to wall shoulderporn!
Then it’s the Flying Knee, the clean win, and we’re treated to Kane flat on his back and spared the calling out of Triple H – thank you cheesus!
But wait, there’s more! WWE.com has a “WWE App Exclusive” here, with Kane addressing his “altercation” with Daniel Bryan here.
And oh sweet lord, Kane, in the wifebeater, being all calm and reasonable and articulate and … yeah, I’d tap that!
Oops – did I say that out loud? 😉
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The Brothers of Destruction 