From WWE.com:
Batista won the 30-Man Royal Rumble Match BY Ryan Murphy & Zach Linder
PITTSBURGH — He came. He saw. He conquered.
In his first match back after a nearly four-year absence from WWE, Batista proved he hadn’t lost any of his killer instinct as he eliminated Roman Reigns to win the 2014 Royal Rumble Match. With his epic victory — his second in the 27-year history of the over-the-top-rope melee — Batista began his deliberate march toward WrestleMania XXX, where he will attempt to achieve the one goal that led to his return: win the WWE World Heavyweight Title.
It was a commanding performance from The Animal, who entered the fray at No. 28 and eliminated four Superstars to stand tall. Long before that, however, it was CM Punk who kicked things off, entering at No. 1 for the second time in his career before displaying the kind of marathon man endurance that made Royal Rumble Match icons out of WWE Hall of Famers like Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels. First squaring off with No. 2 entrant Seth Rollins, Punk scored the bout’s first eliminations by dumping Damien Sandow and Kane, who entered the match in slacks and dress shoes.
WWE NXT standout Alexander Rusev — a Bulgarian powerlifter with scary agility — made a shocking entrance in the No. 6 spot, and manhandled Punk, Rollins and Cody Rhodes with the clout of a ring veteran. For a brief period of time, the rookie became an unexpected favorite until the combined efforts of four Superstars took the brute out of the match.
Before the big man left the ringside area, however, Punk tossed Kofi Kingston, who landed in Rusev’s arms. The Bulgarian strongman planted Kingston on the barricade, but the high-flyer’s feet never touched the floor. As he did in his last two Royal Rumble Matches, Kofi found a way to survive as he balanced himself atop the thin railing, took a running start and miraculously jumped back onto the ring apron.
The first Royal Rumble shocker came at No. 14 when the massive Kevin Nash returned to WWE and immediately eliminated Jack Swagger before going after both Rollins and Dean Ambrose at the same time. Big Sexy didn’t last long, though, as the No. 15 entrant — Roman Reigns — tossed Nash, Kofi and Dolph Ziggler in short order. It was just the beginning of what would become a legendary Rumble Match performance for the muscle of The Shield.
The surprises continued from there as Goldust eliminated his brother, Cody, and Reigns eliminated Goldust, leaving Punk alone in the ring with all three members of The Shield. Just when it looked like a public mugging was about to transpire, the clock struck zero and Sheamus made his return as the 17th entrant. Clearly not intimidated by The Hounds of Justice, the fiery Irishman went right for the trio with wild haymakers like he was in the middle of a Dublin pub brawl.
The smallest Rumbler entered at No. 20 as El Torito charged into the squared circle and picked a fight with Punk. The Straight Edge Superstar may have dismissed the little bull, but that was before he had been nearly flipped out of his boots by a hurricanrana. The luchador even scored an elimination when he launched Fandango over the rope with a flying headscissors, but he was then nearly hurled into the mezzanine by Reigns.
The mayhem continued from there as JBL left the commentary table at No. 24, and entered the ring in a shirt and tie. Yet by the time he handed off his coat to Michael Cole, he was sacked by the domineering Reigns. Despite his limited appearance, JBL still inspired chants of “You still got it!” from the WWE Universe.
The laughs stopped when the 28th Superstar joined the fray. Making his long-awaited homecoming, Batista stomped to the ring and eliminated Erick Rowan, Ryback and Alberto Del Rio with immediacy. By the time Rey Mysterio entered as the final Superstar in the No. 30 spot, the ring was buckling under the weight of serious behemoths like Big E Langston, Sheamus and Antonio Cesaro.
At this point, the notion that the Royal Rumble Match was every man for himself became clear as Ambrose attempted to eliminate Reigns, but failed. Now running off pure adrenaline, the powerhouse set his Shield unity aside, then dumped both Rollins and Ambrose — along with Cesaro — out of the ring at the same time.
With that, Punk, Batista, Sheamus and Reigns stood as the final four, but The Straight Edge Superstar didn’t last long as Kane reemerged and pulled Punk out of the ring (thus tying Shawn Michaels for all-time Royal Rumble Match eliminations with 39). The Director of Operations continued his vicious assault on the former WWE Champion by chokeslamming him through the Spanish announce table.
Sheamus was the next to go as he was dispatched by Reigns, who eliminated 12 Superstars — 40 percent of the contest’s participants — to break Kane’s 13-year-old record for the most competitors eliminated in a single Royal Rumble Match. With anticipation reaching a fever pitch, Batista and Reigns squared off like silverbacks fighting for their territory. Bone-jarring spears were exchanged as the upstart tested the veteran’s resolve; ultimately, though, it was The Animal who survived as he launched Reigns out of the ring with one arm.
With the ring now clear of every Superstar but one, Batista stood supreme as the winner of his second Royal Rumble Match. As many greats have done before him, The Animal pointed into the rafters where the WrestleMania XXX sign hung. What awaits him there remains to be seen, but the Road to WrestleMania has begun, and an Animal is leading the stampede to New Orleans.
Okay, so apart from one teeny tiny error in there – Kane didn’t wear dress shoes, he had on his wrestling boots under his suit pants (big thanks to Pats for spotting that one!), that’s the tale of the tape. They’ve dragged a paunchy looking Batista out of retirement to get mileage out of his role in the new Marvel movie, and put him over a bunch of other guys far more deserving so he can be in the main event at WrestleMania. Yay.
Now, here’s some more interesting stuff from WWE.com:
Full list of Royal Rumble Match participants and eliminations
Entry Number 1: CM Punk
Eliminated: Damien Sandow, Kane, Alexander Rusev
Eliminated By: Kane
Time: 49:13
Entry Number 2: Seth Rollins
Eliminated: Alexander Rusev, Rey Mysterio, The Great Khali
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 48:31
Entry Number 3: Damien Sandow
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: CM Punk
Time: 2:17
Entry Number 4: Cody Rhodes
Eliminated: Alexander Rusev
Eliminated By: Goldust
Time: 21:01
Entry Number 5: Kane
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: CM Punk
Time: 1:10
Entry Number 6: Alexander Rusev
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Seth Rollins, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston
Time: 7:06
Entry Number 7: Jack Swagger
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Kevin Nash
Time: 12:24
Entry Number 8: Kofi Kingston
Eliminated: Alexander Rusev
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 12:42
Entry Number 9: Jimmy Uso
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Dean Ambrose
Time: 7:53
Entry Number 10: Goldust
Eliminated: Cody Rhodes
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 12:00
Entry Number 11: Dean Ambrose
Eliminated: R-Truth, Jimmy Uso, The Great Khali
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 33:56
Entry Number 12: Dolph Ziggler
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 6:09
Entry Number 13: R-Truth
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Dean Ambrose
Time: 0:36
Entry Number 14: Kevin Nash
Eliminated: Jack Swagger
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 0:36
Entry Number 15: Roman Reigns
Eliminated: Kofi Kingston, Dolph Ziggler, Kevin Nash, The Great Khali, Goldust, El Torito, JBL, Luke Harper, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Antontio Cesaro, Sheamus
Eliminated By: Batista
Time: 33:58
Entry Number 16: The Great Khali
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins
Time: 0:53
Entry Number 17: Sheamus
Eliminated: Big E Langston
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 28:22
Entry Number 18: The Miz
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Luke Harper
Time: 12:09
Entry Number 19: Fandango
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: El Torito
Time: 3:02
Entry Number 20: El Torito
Eliminated: Fandango
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 1:49
Entry Number 21: Antonio Cesaro
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 17:16
Entry Number 22: Luke Harper
Eliminated: The Miz, Jey Uso
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 15:21
Entry Number 23: Jey Uso
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Luke Harper
Time: 4:32
Entry Number 24: JBL
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Roman Reigns
Time: 0:49
Entry Number 25: Erick Rowan
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Batista
Time: 5:05
Entry Number 26: Ryback
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Batista
Time: 4:01
Entry Number 27: Alberto Del Rio
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Batista
Time: 3:00
Entry Number 28: Batista
Eliminated: Erick Rowan, Ryback, Alberto Del Rio, Roman Reigns
Eliminated By: Winner
Time: 13:02
Entry Number 29: Big E Langston
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Sheamus
Time: 2:49
Entry Number 30: Rey Mysterio
Eliminated:
Eliminated By: Seth Rollins
Time: 2:10
Total Rumble Time: 55 minutes, 10 seconds
RUMBLE FACTS:
- This is Batista’s second Royal Rumble Match victory as the No. 28 entrant. In his first win in 2005, he eliminated five competitors (Edge, Chris Jericho, John Cena, Snitsky, Christian).
- No Superstar other than Batista has ever won the Rumble Match as the No. 28 entrant.
- Batista is the fifth Superstar to win multiple Rumble Matches. The others are Hulk Hogan (1990 and 1991), Shawn Michaels (1995 and 1996), “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (1997, 1998 and 2001) and John Cena (2008 and 2013). All but Cena are WWE Hall of Famers.
- This was CM Punk’s second Rumble Match appearance as the No. 1 entrant. As the No. 1 entrant in 2011, he lasted 35:21 and eliminated seven competitors (Daniel Bryan, John Morrison, Mark Henry, Chris Masters, Tyler Reks, Vladimir Kozlov, R-Truth).
- Kane participated in his record 15th Royal Rumble Match. His first was in 1999 and he has competed in all since with the exception of 2012’s contest.
- Roman Reigns’ 12 eliminations breaks Kane’s 2001 record of 11 eliminations.
- Last year, Cody Rhodes eliminated Goldust. This year, Goldust eliminated Cody.
- Seth Rollins was the longest-lasting Rumble Match rookie. Only CM Punk lasted longer.
- Eight nationalities were represented in the 2013 Royal Rumble Match: United States, Ireland, Mexico, Switzerland, Ghana, India, Samoa and Bulgaria.
So, what does all of this mean?
Well, apart from the shittiest booking in all of creation, three facts stood out for me:
1. During the match, someone on the announce team stated clearly that this was Kane’s 15th consecutive Rumble. Despite the disclaimer up there in the Rumble facts about him not competing in the Rumble in 2012, they are obviously ret-conning history and giving claim to Kane’s long-standing record of consecutive Rumbles, and treating his 2012 match on the Rumble card as legit – because they know that not including him in that year’s 40 man Rumble was a fuck-up of monumental proportions. Hell, they could even exclude that year’s Rumble as not counting because it was a 40-man debacle – I don’t give a fuck. So long as Kane keeps his “consecutive Rumble streak” alive, it’s all good with me.
2. Roman Reigns broke Kane’s record for eliminations in a single Rumble. And while a part of me knows that’s actually one of the pieces of good booking in this abomination of a Rumble, I am a little sad. What would have made it better would have been for Kane to have been one of Reigns’ eliminations. Instead, they went with Punk. More on that later.
3. When Punk eliminated Kane without Kane getting a chance to eliminate anyone, I figured that was going to be this deal going forward. If Kane’s in the Rumble, he doesn’t get to eliminate anyone, because they don’t want him to beat Shawn Michaels’ record. Well fuck that! Because the recap clearly says by eliminating Punk, he’s tied the record for most eliminations total! Even if it’s not an “official” one as per the stats above.
Right! Now I’ve got that off my chest, let’s go to the pictures, shall we? Pictures are the best part! 😉
Kane 26 January 2014 – The 2014 30-Superstar Royal Rumble Match: Photos
“The Royal Rumble Match marked the first televised in-ring competition for Kane since the Oct. 28 edition of Raw.”
See? Wrestling boots! I’d recognise those shiny boots anywhere!
But holy fuck, is he ripped or what? Talk about hiding his light under a bushel! Or a series of nice suits … damn!
What’s even better than that is this amazing GIF that Pats found on Tumblr and shared with me …
-drools-
Seriously, Kane stripping should now be a feature of every appearance!
No digital of the immediate stampede and beat the shit out of Punk, or the elimination, but once more Pats comes to the rescue with this:
Holy. Fuckin’. Hell. Seriously, my ovaries a’sploded watching this. Those fucking shoulders. The chest. The wall to wall fucking muscles.
Ripped. As. Fuck.
More of this please. Much, much, much, much more!
“Kane returned after being eliminated by CM Punk earlier in the match and eliminated The Straight Edge Superstar.”
Ripped. As. Fuck. Goddamn, baby!
And it was adios Spanish announce table … jesus wept, more rippling muscles!
Seriously, Kane in those dress pants and no shirt is just pornographically luscious.
But the fun doesn’t end there!
Oh no, now that there’s the WWE App … seriously, has anyone even got this fuckin’ thing? Because everything that’s supposedly an App “exclusive” ends up on the fuckin’ website anyway.
I digress. Apologies for the tiny thumbnail, but oh man, really?
I mean, really – like I wasn’t going to click on this video!
Which is here … it’s only twenty seconds or so.
Starting about here:
Twenty seconds of pure unadulterated porn. The deep voice, that fuckin’ six pack of abs … I’m surprised he didn’t spontaneously knock Renee Young by exuding sheer male pheromones by the truckload through just breathing!
Then, of course, someone had to make the comparison …
Well duh! Like we couldn’t see that for ourselves!
But it did produce something that I found on the See No Evil 2 movie page on Facebook, which I have of course turned into an icon! (Appropriated credited, of course!) 😉
In conclusion: while there were many things I wasn’t happy about at the Royal Rumble, the Kane pornage did not disappoint! 😉
The aftermath on Raw the next night though … well, we’ll get to that next post!
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The Brothers of Destruction 