I’m back! And other stuff …

Well good morning campers! (Actually, it’s not morning, but you know … besides, it may be afternoon or evening where you are when you read this so, whatever floats your boat in your current time zone!)

Been pretty damn quiet around here, huh? -hand up- That’s on me, of course.

See, it’s been kind of hard to get enthusiastic as a Brothers of Destruction fan in the wake of WrestleMania.

That felt like not one but two kicks in the teeth.

First, Kane has a “blink and you’ll miss it” showing.

Not that those can’t be good – hell, his eight second match against Chavo Guerrero was all kinds of good, given he walked out with a grin a mile wide as ECW Champion. (Plus, he’d been in the pre-show Battle royal, although I didn’t see it.)

This year, though? Forget any and all bullshit about how they were there to “build up” The Shield – the New Age Outlaws were in a match at ‘Mania to satisfy their egos, and Triple H’s.

So the spotlight was theirs, and Kane was just in it to make up the numbers.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, they broke The Streak.

Yes, I know that ‘Taker had to be on board with that decision, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch.

Plus it was a monumentally crappy and half-assed build to a major match – again, due largely in part to Triple H’s ego. After all, gods forbid that anything take the spotlight away from his match in any way, shape or form.

Post-‘Mania, it seemed Kane was at least going to get a decent storyline in destroying DBryan at The Authority’s behest.

A run that was screwed up by bad writing. Kane was suddenly inexplicably back in the mask. No one really explained why – there was some bullshit about Stephanie “raising the monster within”, but hell, they never adequately explained why Kane took the mask off in the first place, so why would we expect any different now?

We were “treated” to Kane as a couple-terrorising monster for a few weeks.

Which we’ve already seen. Numerous times. And with female wrestlers who could act, at least. Brie Bella, sadly, cannot.

Then the bad news that DBryan had to have surgery and was going to be gone for real and … screeching halt again for Kane.

After that? A hopeless bloody mish-mash of Kane not being on TV, and when he was on TV, jobbing to guys he should be destroying … all the stuff that just sucks the joy out of wrestling – for me, anyway.

The background to all of this was WWE’s financial woes. Not cracking that magic one million subscribers for the WWE Network, making TV deals for less money, and the stock price plummeted.

Cue the immediate rush to cut costs – a rash of wrestler releases, and staffing cuts in Corporate. Half a dozen writers were let go in Creative – not that anyone probably noticed. Hell, we likely never saw any of their work, since it appears Vince is still re-writing the RAW script in its entirety the afternoon of the broadcast. If someone were doing that to my work on a regular basis? I’d be glad to be let go!

Worse, the WWE Network continued to disappoint shareholders. Coming up to the mark when folks’ initial six month commitment ran out, it soon became apparent that great swathes of them were choosing not to re-up. And new subscribers weren’t quite filling the gap. A situation likely to continue in coming months.

The solution? Turn RAW into a three hour commercial for the Network. With breaks for an occasional wrestling match. Where the commentary continues to harp on the Network.

Considering a large segment of the audience have, until recently, had no access to the Network (myself included), it’s particularly unappealing.

I do have access now – yay? But it’s only via the WWE App and over my devices. If I could find a way to stream from my tablet to my big screen TV … I still wouldn’t be interested. Because, yes, the PPVs would be cheap, but would blow out my data limit with my ISP – see, lots of folk don’t have unlimited data, so this really isn’t a viable option.

I foresee unhappy shareholders for years to come. And more and more budget cuts.

All of this to say … yeah, my interest in wading through three hours of RAW for two minutes of Kane has been limited. Trawling WWE.com for paltry digitals and then mustering the enthusiasm to post them has likewise been missing.

There is however a bright spot on the horizon.

Kane has inexplicably unmasked again. So we’re back to Corporate Kane.

Corporate Kane who comes with bonus stripping.

Man, I loves me some Stripping!Kane!

Even better, Corporate Kane is right back to Wrestling!Kane – because he’s a hands-on Director of Operations, doncha know?

Wrestling!Kane. In dress pants. Bare-chested … you have my attention.

I’m prepared to be disappointed again. Cynically, I suspect extra TV time and unmasking is due to the fact they’ve finally set a release date for See No Evil 2 (21 October – YAY!).

But that comes with teaser clips like this one, courtesy of the See No Evil 2 facebook page:

http://dai.ly/x24brkf

 

… HolyMaryMotherOFGodPrayForUsSinnersNow!

Talk about going to my happy place!

So yes, I’m back!

Corporate Kane is back!

I’m not going to attempt any kind of catch up. Hell, I may not even post every single appearance.

But I am committed to celebrating the pornographic loveliness that’s finally returned!

You have been warned!

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26 April 2014: Happy birthday Glenn!

So, John Cena and I celebrated our birthdays this week – happy birthday to my not-twin from another family! – so that must mean that … I’m running WAY behind and it’s the second red-letter day around here!

(Way way WAY behind – I swear, the plan is to catch up soon!)

So, celebrating the birthday of the sexiest Taurean man on the planet, I proudly present this year’s celebratory picspam!

Happy birthday Glenn!

So, in my usual quest through the thousands of images I saved this year, I was struck by something.

The folks over at WWE.com wax lyrical from time to time over how The Undertaker has re-invented himself over the years. How come they never talk about how Kane has done the same thing?

Because he has, and just as successfully. I’d even argue that it’s more successfully, as he’s still appearing on weekly TV and re-making his character in that way is a lot tougher than going off TV and coming back with a new gimmick.

I thought I’d explore a little of that, and the wild ride we’ve had with Kane this year, as the theme for this year’s picspam.

But first, as a little apology for not being on the ball and ready with this picspam right on the dot of midnight as I usually am, let’s take a quick trip back to Glenn’s last birthday, and the … unique in-ring celebrations in Moscow!

I love the expression on his face! Two goofy Russian hats, and a banana – what more could a guy want for what I think may have been his first-ever in-ring birthday celebration! (Let’s face it, monsters from Parts Unknown usually don’t celebrate birthdays!)

I do recall he had to close his eyes and hold out his hand for the banana, giving us this wonderful image before that first one! (And yes, you all know why I chose it!)

But this sneak hug attack from his tag team partner DBryan and fellow Taurean birthday boy John Cena was priceless!

Group birthday hug! Let’s hope many Russian beers were consumed later!

So, back to that character re-invention theme. There’s been a lot of graphics circulating this year, showing the many incarnations of Kane’s character, but I rather like this one.

(Let’s not get into a pissing contest in the comments about how “they” should bring back one or other of the earlier Kane incarnations, shall we? That drives me batshit on Facebook!)

But before he was Kane, Glenn wrestled in the WWF (as it was) under a few other gimmicks, including the one that shall not be named. Apparently, there was a stir this year as Glenn hung up on a radio interview when they mentioned Isaac Yankem. I suspect he’d laid the ground rules in advance that there were things he wanted to talk about – or that WWE wanted him to talk about – and when they saw fit to ignore that, he terminated the interview. The man’s too nice – and too professional – for it to have been anything else.

I personally think he made a way sexier “Diesel” that Kevin Nash, but I may well be biased!

Mick Foley makes a point in one of his books that it can take time for a wrestler to get the gimmick that suits best, and will go on to draw money and have longevity. Which was the case for Glenn.

The build to the reveal of The Undertaker’s brother, Kane, was masterful, thanks in no small part to the brilliant work of the late, great Paul Bearer.

But this isn’t a grand serious career retrospective – let’s just have some fun! Who can forget Kane’s unfortunate obsession over the years with Pete Rose?

Oh yeah, my personal favourite old school Kane, with the half-mask! And in the Elimination Chamber yet! (Please ignore any and all watermarks – Facebook fan pages are worse thieves than Tumblr people.)

But let’s not forget the see-through flames. Now that was some sexy re-invented shit! 😉

Seriously sexy!

First un-masking. First round of outrage that “they” have made Kane weak, not a monster, yadda yadda yadda.

Like Kane cares!

It’s not every guy who gets to electrocute the boss’s son’s testicles on live TV, after all!

Wearing tights and boots to a pool party is a bit extreme though!

The first unmasking led to the first feature film, “See No Evil”. All kinds of good there!

We had some damn good years with unmasked Kane, and then for the first time in a long time, Glenn took some time off to recuperate, and deal with some knee problems before they got worse.

And he came back … oh yeah!

Even within this newest masked run, we got some re-invention.

Not that Kane’s never been a ladies man before, but this whole angle with AJ was a trip! Especially when it’s Kane who breaks up with her, explaining that while he’s disturbed, she’s just plain nuts, and he’s not “boyfriend material”!!

The whole anger management angle was supposed to be a lead in for Charlie Sheen as Twitter Ambassador, and might well have been shit-canned when Sheen quit Twitter (-facepalm-), except that DBryan, Kane and Dr Shelby made it work.

Team Hell No were a raging success!

“Kaniel” gives a whole new meaning to “raging” success … or should that be “flaming”? -snickering-

AJ was still around, though, with her “not boyfriend material” friend Kane, meeting the troops.

If that’s DBryan showing Kane some “Kaniel” fanfic on his tablet, I can only surmise the next moment either had them both in hysterics or running for the mental bleach! 😉

Along the way, we got some great “masked Kane in civvies” moments too.

Lord have mercy, no one rocks a pair of blue jeans quite the way he does!

And oh my, masked Kane with kids? My ovaries ache just looking at these!

Kane in a boy scout uniform? Causes an ache of another kind! -fans self-

Bad photoshop, great idea – and a little foreshadowing, as it turns out! 😉

One thing that has to be said though, is that Kane came back in amazing shape! -drools-

Not shaving his chest under that singlet? Bonus!

Another awesome bonus was that Glenn grew his hair back under the mask! Glee!

Here he is in the airport in my hometown last year … ponytail. Glasses. -drools-

I am including this one specially for Pats – she’ll know why! 😉

Then, sadly, we had to bid Kane a farewell from our screens for a bit. But all in a good cause, as he was off filming “See No Evil 2” with the Soska sisters in Vancouver! This photo, courtesy of the movie’s Facebook page, is from the first table read.

Sadly, making the movie meant losing his ponytail (waaaaaah! They couldn’t spring for a bald cap?) but I think we can forgive the Soska sisters, because they obviously took damn good care of him!

Kane returned to TV after the movie … and almost as promptly un-masked again for Stephanie McMahon and The Authority.

Cue another round of “Waaah! Bring back old masked Kane! This guy’s a pussy!”

Me? Well, I kinda like Corporate Kane. You work those glasses, geek boy.

Even if he did win Jerk of the Month award at WWE Magazine (thanks to Sevenfoot Monster on Facebook for this one)!

Plus, corporate Kane and kids is still ovary-aching!

What was even better was when Kane started kicking ass in the ring, and we still got re-invention!

We got Kane in a business shirt and dress pants …

We got Kane in a wifebeater …

And then, lord have mercy, we got Kane bare-chested in dress pants. The single leading cause of ovary a’splosion all year! -fans self-

Now, just before his birthday (and mine!), Kane re-masks and goes back to being a monster. Sadly, this particular night, it was so that DBryan could leave the show early and go home to be with his family after the sad death of his father, but knowing Kane, and DBryan, this will go on to be one hell of a feud.

We can’t leave this birthday spam without paying respect to the late, great Paul Bearer. Paul said of Glenn that he was, “the nicest guy in the world, too nice for his own good.”

Now, we didn’t get the Hall of Fame televised down under, and we also don’t get access to the WWE Network, so I’m going on what I’ve seen reported, but it is fair to say that without Paul Bearer, there would not have been an Undertaker, and without them, there would not have been a Kane.

I do know from what Bill Moody used to have on his website that he regarded both Mark and Glenn as brothers, and he loved them both dearly. A fact very evident in this photo, taken backstage at the Hall of Fame when Kane inducted Drew Carey.

It does make sense then, that they asked Glenn, as Kane, to induct Paul Bearer into the Hall of Fame this year. An honour I’m sure he was only too happy to accept.

A fitting farewell to Paul Bearer, gone but never forgotten.

As they saying goes, another year older, another year better looking … no, wait, that’s not how it goes! Another year of Kane on our TV screens sounds pretty good to me!

Happy birthday, Glenn – thanks for bringing Kane back to our screens again in new ways, for entertaining us, and for being one hell of a performer!

Here’s to a wonderful year, from all of us!

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31 March 2014: RAW digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Kane def. Roman Reigns via Disqualification

(From Kane’s Official Facebook page)

Despite the WWE Universe picking Roman Reigns as Kane’s Shield-allegiant opponent of the night via the WWE App – and despite the Director of Operations’ disqualification win – the bout ended in indecisive, if tantalizing, fashion mere days before The Shield’s battle against their latest, and most seasoned, opponents. The former and current record holders for most Royal Rumble Match eliminations didn’t so much wrestle each other as engage in a monster-movie style collision, though the arrival of The New Age Outlaws left Reigns outnumbered at the moment of truth.

Happily, The Hounds of Justice run together, and no sooner had Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins arrived to neutralize the threat than Reigns struck Kane down with the Superman Punch. The Shield swarmed The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations to shut down the match, though Kane eluded the Triple Powerbomb with the help of The Outlaws. Sunday he may not be so lucky.

Kane 31 March 2014 – Roman Reigns vs. Kane – WWE App Vote Match: Photos

So how come the vote wasn’t to determine if Kane would wear those pants, huh? I don’t care who he’s wrestling, but I care passionately about whether there could be a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction on live TV that could result from wearing those pants in the ring! 😉

However, bare-chested is good! We likes bare-chested, the abs, the precioussssssss!

See? That’s a wardrobe malfunction just waiting to happen, if Kane was wearing those pants! 😉

That said? Holy crap, thank you DDP yoga for that flexibility, it’s awesome!

Got some old school Kane moves in this match! Hadn’t seen that sidewalk slam in a while!

Actually, Kane going one on one with Reigns was a good pick, WWE Universe.

And yeah, I know, people are sick of seeing Kane “lose” but come on, guys – he’s not going to be around forever. Much as we’d like him to be, eventually, he’s going to stop wrestling. Best thing he can do now is help build up the younger guys to take over when he, and others, step down.

He’s doing a damn fine job of it, too!

Damn, that Superman punch of Reigns is awesome!

Kane’s abs are likewise awesome! 😉

Love that hint of body hair on Kane – that shit is HAWT!

Proving once again that quality control is something that happens to other people’s websites, here’s another angle on that Superman punch. Now with added rippling back muscles! 😉

…

…

…

No words.

Let’s just appreciate the Kane fangirl who selects these photos! 😉

Kane’s expression says it all – the man is so non-verbally articulate!

Plus hawt as fuck flat on his back. I’m just saying is all.

😉

Reigns has got some mad skills. But yeah, not a big fan of him kicking Kane in the head!

Also not a fan of The Shield and their ass-kicking parties when Kane is the only guest of honour!

Thank heavens The New Age Outlaws were there to save the day … and that is a sentence I never thought I’d be writing, trust me! 😉

Mmmmm, furry chest …

WWE.com has the video here – enjoy!

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31 March 2014: RAW digitals – Undertaker

Sorry folks, been a hectic few weeks here and I’m running way behind! So far behind I didn’t even post this Raw preview graphic I snagged from WWE on Facebook:

From WWE.com:

The Undertaker delivered his final message to Brock Lesnar

(From The Undertaker’s Official Facebook page)

WASHINGTON, D.C. – For one last time before The Show of Shows, The Deadman rose on Monday Night Raw to deliver one final message to his WrestleMania opponent, Brock Lesnar. Much has been made of The Undertaker’s supposed vulnerability leading into his 22nd defense of the vaunted Streak in New Orleans. Despite the mounting whispers of his doubters, The Phenom remained steadfast in his promise to stave off The Beast Incarnate in six days’ time and maintain one of life’s three guarantees: Death, taxes and The Streak.

Actions, ultimately, proved The Demon of Death Valley to be more fallible than he let on; Lesnar and Paul Heyman not only interrupted Undertaker’s final message to The Anomaly, but Lesnar himself left The Deadman down when he stormed the ring and laid out the former WWE Champion with an F-5 that would have made the Devil himself cringe.

Undertaker 31 March 2014 – Brock Lesnar F-5s The Undertaker: Photos

“The Undertaker makes his final stop along The Road to WrestleMania, coming to Raw to address his Show of Shows foe, Brock Lesnar.”

And finally, in this incredibly lack-lustre ‘Mania build, we get a proper ‘Taker promo!

“The Deadman addresses The Beast Incarnate: “What’s going to happen when I take out to the deep water, and when your feet can no longer touch the bottom … what are you going to do?” ”

… no words

“According to The Undertaker, there are three things that cannot be beat: Death, taxes and The Streak.”

-sigh-

“With Paul Heyman in tow, Brock Lesnar arrives to interrupt The Deadman.”

“Paul Heyman: “This is not a match that Brock Lesnar has to win. This is a match The Undertaker must not lose.” ”

-sigh-

-double sigh-

“The Anomaly approaches the ring … with caution.”

Seeing The Deadman strip for action was damn fine!

Bork is wise to be wary – The Phenom is a wily competitor.

t

“Thanks to a distraction by Heyman, Lesnar is able to take the fight to The Undertaker.”

Damnit!

Nope, didn’t want to see this happen!

“The Beast Incarnate delivers a shocking F-5 to The Deadman!”

Nope, can’t even enjoy the sight of The Deadman flat on his back … -sigh-

“Is this a prelude of things to come when Lesnar and The Undertaker square off on The Grandest Stage of Them All?”

As it turns out, yes. And I thought they weren’t calling ‘Mania ” the grandest stage of them all” anymore? Some bullshit about how Vince thought it made WrestleMania sound dated?

WWE.com has video here – enjoy the promo, if nothing else.

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WrestleMania XXX preview: Kane

From WWE.com:

The Shield vs. Kane & The New Age Outlaws

Since being hired as Director of Operations by The Authority, the always volatile Kane has struggled at times to act in a manner befitting an impartial administrative figure. When challenged, he has often unleashed Big Red rage on any Superstars who refused to respect the rule of WWE COO Triple H & Stephanie McMahon. And now that The Shield has stopped following the company line, The Devil’s Favorite Demon will partner with The New Age Outlaws at The Showcase of the Immortals to attempt to put The Hounds of Justice in their place.

In a little more than a year’s time, the black-clad trio of Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins & United States Champion Dean Ambrose has laid waste to the likes of The Undertaker, The Rock, Daniel Bryan and Big Show. All the while, their unique brand of justice has often brought them into an unspoken alliance with The Authority along the way. However, after infighting and jealousy caused The Hounds to suffer heartbreaking defeats to The Wyatt Family, an intense “Shield Summit” on SmackDown brought Reigns, Rollins & Ambrose into a renewed unity that would spell destruction for anyone in their path — including, as it turned out, high-ranking Authority brass.

When Kane began talking down to The Shield and order them to administer beat downs to Big Show and Jerry Lawler respectively, the triumvirate refused to comply, instead turning their assault on the Director of Operations.

In response, Kane enlisted the services of the six-time Tag Team Champions, The New Age Outlaws, to help deliver a retaliatory strike to The Shield during a WWE Tag Team Title No. 1 Contenders Fatal 4-Way Match. It’s hard to ignore that Road Dogg & Billy Gunn have longstanding ties with The Authority’s Triple H, which date back to their days of running roughshod over Superstars as part of DX.

Will the Attitude Era stalwarts make The Shield regret ever crossing their “Authority”? Or will The Hounds of Justice prove on The Grandest Stage of Them All that, when united, the WWE Universe is indeed still their yard? Find out when WrestleMania 30 airs live on WWE Network, Sunday April 6!

So, the minute I spotted this pic from Kane’s Official Facebook page, I immediately sent it to Pats.

Who responded, in her inimitable fashion: “Well if you cut out the left half of the pic, then photoshop out the New Age Outlaws, perfection!”

Say what? There’s other people in that photo apart from the half naked hunk of luscious manflesh that is Kane? I got as far as the naked abs and developed a serious case of tunnel vision! 😉

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24 MArch 2014: RAW digitals – Undertaker

From WWE.com:

(From WWE’s Official Facebook page)

Brock Lesnar called out The Undertaker

Perhaps Brock Lesnar is going about this all wrong. In the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, The Anomaly and his advocate, Paul Heyman, have been approaching and addressing The Undertaker as if Lesnar is walking into a fight like any other. What happened on Raw may change that.

Lesnar made the rather bold maneuver to cut Heyman off mid-oration and demand The Phenom present himself for a fight. What he got was a horde of druids carrying a casket down to ringside, though when The Beast Incarnate peered inside, the casket was empty. Not for long, though: After Lesnar and Heyman took to the mic to denounce The Demon of Death valley, the casket opened and The Deadman rose, laying fists upon fists into The Anomaly’s torso and sending him tumbling over the coffin. At WrestleMania, Lesnar might not be so lucky: He might end up in it.

Well yep, this segment proves that Bork should never be given a mic.

And hey, what did you do for your birthday, ‘Taker? Oh you know, wheeled to the ring under a coffin, hid under the ring before climbing up into the bloody coffin from underneath – the usual. 😉

Undertaker 24 March 2014 – The Undertaker rises from a coffin to attack Brock Lesnar: Photos

“Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman arrive on Raw … intent on addressing The Anomaly’s match against the mythical Undertaker at WrestleMania.”

Ah, sir? Sir? Point of order, sir! (Totally stealing Brendon Burns’s style here!) The Undertaker is “mythic”, not fucking “mythical”. “Mythical” means an imaginary person or animal, existing only in myth. “Mythic” is one whose actions or persona have the quality of a myth, but a real person nonetheless.

“Heyman vows victory for his client when Lesnar stares down The Deadman at The Showcase of the Immortals.”

Really, the only reason this even looks half as good a match as it does is because of Heyman’s mic skills.

“Lesnar calls out The Phenom, saying, “I’m not here to promote. I’m here to fight.” ”

That’s where this segment jumped the shark – the minute Lesnar got his hands on the mic.

“Speak The Demon of Death Valley’s name …”

That’s a big casket …

Ah, the druids! Haven’t seen them in a while!

“A casket is led to the ring by a horde of druids.”

A horde? Look, idiots, the only thing that comes in hordes are fucking barbarians! This is a “group” of druids, as there is not a specific collective for druids, per se. And they did not “lead” the casket – only animals and people can be “led”. They “escorted” it, or “guided” it … sheesh, why do I bother? Someone at WWE.com got their hands on a vocab builder and we’re suffering as a result.

“But when Lesnar musters the courage to open it up, the coffin is empty …”

Well duh! That’s how it always goes down!

… oh my.

Give that photographer a beer, because that is some shot! -fans self!-

It’s roomy in that casket … reckon you could fit two people in there, if they were real friendly with one another! 😉

“The Deadman rises, literally, out of the casket and into the ring!”

And looked good doing it too!

Giving Lesnar his patented, “You’re fucked now, boy” stare!

A ton of bad things coming Lesnar’s way!

“The Undertaker comes face-to-face with his WrestleMania foe.”

Who looks appropriately terrified!

I liked this part – ‘Taker was moving like a man in great shape for a match! Quick as a damn cat!

Only thing missing was Jim Ross on commentary, calling him the “best pure striker in sports entertainment history”!

And Bork seems to be on the same page, at least.

“The Phenom’s continued assault on Lesnar chases The Beast from the ring.”

Okay, that should have gone a little better – Lesnar should have gotten some offense in, at least. To make it look like he really will “East Sleep Conquer the Streak”.

We did the whole “pointing at the WrestleMania sign” thing … yawn. Can they not come up with anything new?

“Is The Deadman inside Brock Lesnar’s head?”

See, that’s what’s so bloody frustrating about this match build! ‘Taker’s said barely two dozen words, how the fuck is he in anyone’s head? (Well, he’s always in my head, doing things that’ll frighten fish, but that’s another story!)

This match build has been about Heyman talking Lesnar up (while simultaneously talking ‘Taker up, which is no mean feat!). Then the one time Lesnar gets his hand on the mic to call ‘Taker out, he’s backing away the minute ‘Taker shows up. That doesn’t sound like someone who is “here to fight”.

Now, if this was Heyman manipulating Lesnar into a match he knows Lesnar can’t win, preparatory to dropping Lesnar like a hot potato … but even then it’s failing. Lesnar in that scenario isn’t going to be calling out The Phenom … unless he knows ‘Taker won’t show up.

But hell, ‘Taker himself told us last week on Main Event that he’d be on Raw on Monday. So that’s a bust.

I don’t know why I’m even trying to make sense of it, truly I don’t. I do know it deserves better – ‘Taker deserves better.

Not bad for an old guy, huh? 😉

Always going to be one of my favourite poses!

WWE.com has video here – no bullshit, cutting straight to the chase with the druids bringing the casket out, and cutting and pasting to get just the action!

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24 March 2014: RAW digitals – Kane

So, um, isn’t this about the time of year they have that big PPV? What’s it called – WrestleMania?

Did they call that off this year or what?

Sheesh, what an absolute clusterfuck of a build to ‘Mania – you couldn’t have come up with something worse if you tried. I’m pretty sure the guys in Creative are just flinging shit at the walls at this point, and hoping something sticks.

That said, the opening segment was hysterical … for all the wrong reasons. Botchtista still can’t be trusted to get his minimal lines right without fucking them up, Steph hits like a girl but can knock the douchebag sunglasses off a douchebag pretty well, and Randy Orton almost lost it completely in the ring when Botchtista’s mic didn’t work.

Go back and watch it, unless they edit the shit out of it for the website – he actually has to turn away to get the giggles under control. Which was priceless, seriously!

But the icing on the cake when Botchtista tore the ass out of his not-skinny jeans with that ugly spear on Randy. I swear, Randy rolled right out of the ring after that because he was killing himself laughing!

Good times!

But yeah, apparently WrestleMania is coming up – although it’s hard to get excited by that, because, well, the build up sucks.

So, let’s see what happened, shall we?

From WWE.com:

The Shield def. The Real Americans

Even a Real American isn’t immune from the long arm of justice, as Jack Swagger & Cesaro found out when they battled Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins on Raw. Believing Zeb’s boys were equally responsible for their thrashing on SmackDown, The Shield took the fight to their opponents before the bell even rang and coasted to an early advantage when the match began.

Cesaro helped the Americans right the ship by sending Ambrose for a 20-rotation Cesaro Swing, but a series of slaps to the face spurred the “lunatic fringe” into action. Ambrose laid out Cesaro, tagged in Rollins and “the aerialist” took off, breaking free of Swagger’s Patriot Lock to seal the match with his “Peace of Mind” stomp to the head.

Moments later, The Shield finished their tour of vengeance with a Triple Powerbomb through the commentary table to Cesaro, but it seems all their conflict against The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations will soon come to a head: Per Kane’s orders, at WrestleMania, The Hounds of Justice will face Kane & The New Age Outlaws.

Kane 24 March 2014 – Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins vs. The Real Americans: Photos

“Director of Operations Kane makes a major WrestleMania announcement … at The Show of Shows, The Shield will square off against Kane & The New Age Outlaws.”

Corporate!Kane! In those pants – yummy! The New Age Outlaws? Not so much – jesus, were they shopping at Goodwill for their suits?

And that’s it. That’s all the Kane we get. Looking yummy in the suit, certainly, and a snippet of audio porn but …

Underwhelming. Really. Lame ass set up for the match. Liked the physicality that’s been a feature of this to begin with, but now we’re taking the lame duck approach.

Fortunately, we did also get this shot on WWE’s Official Facebook page. Kane’s definitely yummy in a suit, but the Outlaws? Yeah … less said about that the better! 😉

WWE.com has video here – don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against The Shield or this match for ‘Mania. The Shield are going places, and Kane’s putting them over, which is great.

It’s just that, like so much else in WWE these days, Creative are doing a lousy fucking job packaging something that could be great if done the right way.

Remember the days when you didn’t know what you were looking forward to most at ‘Mania, because all the matches had been “sold” in such a great way that you anticipated every one of them. There were promos and match interference, sides being taken, all that good story telling stuff that just doesn’t happen any more. -sigh-

The Shield are doing the very best with it they can, as are Kane and the Outlaws, but jeez, this could be great and it’s being treated like a last minute mid-card addition that may end up bumped to the pre-show. And if that happens, I will be beyond pissed.

Anyway, the relevant part of this video begins around 3:30 – not to say the match before then wasn’t great, because it was.

Let’s see what happens next – also known as, let’s see how bad Creative fumbles this one.

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24 March 2014: Happy birthday Mark!

You know folks, WrestleMania’s right around the corner and that means the first of two special days around here.

That’s right – March 24 is the birthday of our very own Undertaker, Mark Callaway!

So in keeping with tradition, allow me to present the annual birthday picspam!

Happy birthday Mark! 24 March 2014

You know, every year this process is exactly the same. I trawl through literally hundreds of photos I’ve gleaned over the course of the previous year, wondering which ones to include.

I go back through previous picspams to make sure I’m not repeating myself.

And I’m struck over and over by one particular thing – the beauty of this man’s face.

So, here we go again!

(Oh, and I think I said this last year, but it bears repeating – in most cases, I have not credited these photos. Because I have discovered that websites, particularly Facebook and Tumblr, are just dens of out-and-out thieves. They’ll crop out someone else’s watermark and slap one of their own on a picture like it’s actually their property or creation. Some of them aren’t even that clever – they’ll whack their mark right on something that’s already watermarked by someone else! If it’s original art work, then expect a credit. Otherwise? Sorry folks – these are all out there in the public domain. I’m not claiming ownership of them, I’m just sharing them for others to look at. If you don’t like it? Well that’s tough – cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. Life’s too short for all that bullshit.)

Okay, jumping in the “way back” machine here – a very young Mark when was billed as “The Punisher”. I am so not sure about that mask though!

A little pre-Ministry era ‘Taker is always good!

And wow, this was such a find! Very evocative and quite spiritual …

-chuckles- ‘Taker as fake Kane – which was only possible when Kane was completely covered. Ah, not sure how many of you have been around long enough to remember this little gem …

Which was created by yours truly for … comparison purposes. You figure out what was being compared! 😉

Now, there’s for some reason always a dearth of pictures of ‘Taker as the American Bad Ass, which is a damn crying shame, because he wore that real well! So I’m including a few just for Pats!

Yep, that look is such a keeper!

Of course, what made this character equally appealing was he was such a cocky sonofabitch. That’s appealing as hell too! (Unfortunately, it’s also not really TV PG, which is probably why we seldom see clips of it from the WWE!)

This one’s from SummerSlam 2004 – so it’s post-American Bad Ass, but not yet morphed back into the Deadman.

It’s still damn fine though!

And one from a Tribute to the Troops show around the same era – there’s something rather novel about seeing ‘Taker in his ring gear in full sunlight, hence this one’s inclusion!

More recent incarnation of the Deadman now – very few guys as good on the mic as ‘Taker, in my opinion.

Had to include an (almost) full length one because, damn, that is a good looking hunk of manflesh!

This is one of David Seeto’s amazing photos – seriously, WWE should have him working for them, if he can get shots this good from the audience! This was from RAW’s 800th show in 2008.

I miss the good old days of seeing ‘Taker on TV every week. So damn much. Thank the good gods for YouTube and DVD collections! 😉

Wouldn’t be a mini-career retrospective without a shot of ‘Taker wearing the big shiny package enhancer World Heavyweight Championship belt! 😉

A rather nice behind-the-scenes one, featuring the classic leather coat. Simple, restrained. Elegant, one might say. Unlike the current versions of the coat … -eyeroll-

We got a rare treat this last year, with ‘Taker staying on after ‘Mania for a short program with The Shield. Doing the right thing and helping build up the younger talent. Mad props to him for that!

Remember what I said about extraordinary physical beauty? Yeah, that’s what these next few are about – those photos that just make your breath catch when you see them.

An iconic gesture from a legend in the ring. Who also happens to be spectacularly well put together. Winning combination in my books!

Yep. That is one fine specimen of manhood right there!

One who really is strikingly good looking. Another one of those breathtaking photos!

Even now, with a few more years on him, without the beautiful long hair (damn, I miss the hair!), he’s still captivating!

Now you want to talk good-looking, holy gods, this is the concept art for the Undertaker character in WWE ’13.

And people wonder why I miss the hair – it’s jealousy, damn it! I wish my hair looked that good! 😉

Jumping outside the ring now. And I may well have used this pic before but I’m gonna use it again because … yeah. Spellbinding!

Bring on that biker beefcake!

A Superman t-shirt? Okay, yeah, he pulls that off!

Bet you money this is a Affliction t-shirt – nice!

“No strings attached”? I nearly died laughing when I saw this one surface this year! That is a cute t-shirt with some serious double meaning!

Bonus shot: shorts! And sneakers with neon green laces – an idea I do plan to steal for my own sneakers.

Does he have to look so smug, surrounded by pretty girls? 😉 Yeah, I guess he does!

But oh man oh man, does he looks good in a suit! -fans self-

The bad news is that I didn’t win ‘Taker’s West Coast Chopper. The good news is that while that raffle was running, I got to enjoy dozens upon dozens of photos of him with it!

-snickering- ‘Taker has taken to wearing a fedora, and looking damn sharp in it. There were more than a few Heisenberg jokes floating around at the time!

Nabbed this one from Facebook and it’s rather clever (though not claiming that the person who watermarked this is the one who created it, remember?) – pretty much every ‘Taker (and pre-‘Taker!) look through the years!

This one will get credit, though, because I know for sure this was made by the page in question – it’s from the Apocalyptic Warrior22 ‘Taker fanpage on Facebook. (The same genius who is behind the Seven Foot Monster22 Kane fanpage on Facebook.)

Great work on this one!

This one has a WWE logo, but that’s no guarantee it’s official WWE artwork. Regardless, it’s pretty damn fine.

This time last year, we were still coming to terms with Bill Moody’s sudden and much mourned passing. This year, he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, where he has more than earned a place.

So it seems only fitting to include some photos of him in this picspam, as a way of honouring him and the amazing contribution he made to Mark’s career, and to the friendship they shared.

Paul and a very young Mark. This one makes me smile.

I do believe there are some intoxicated people in this photo! 😉 But I’ll bet they had a great time!

These photos will probably break my heart a little for ever.

A screengrab that captures the emotion of a very public farewell.

God bless, Paul Bearer – our lives were richer for having you in them.

Here’s to a very happy birthday from all of us here, Mr Callaway – remember, you’re not getting older, you’re getting better! (And forget all that rot about maturity – no one can make you grow up if you don’t want to!) And good luck at WrestleMania 30!

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18 March 2014: Main Event digitals – Undertaker

First, this happened on RAW (From WWE.com):

Paul Heyman addressed The Undertaker

Give Paul Heyman credit: When The Undertaker isn’t in the building, the advocate for The Beast Incarnate Brock Lesnar can talk a pretty good game. Without The Phenom himself looming in the ring, the mad scientist had all the room he needed to prophecy the downfall of The Undertaker’s fabled Streak at Lesnar’s hands, using Lesnar’s record against The Deadman’s previous WrestleMania opponents as evidence. “I know it’s an uncomfortable thought,” said Heyman, “But on April 6, The Undertaker and The Undertaker’s Streak will rest in peace.”

And then we all heard ‘Taker would be addressing this on Main Event. Say what?

Okay then, again from WWE.com:

WWE Main Event Results: Promising to slay The Beast at WrestleMania, The Undertaker declared he’ll be coming for Brock on Raw

The Undertaker sent frightening message to Brock Lesnar

Before The Demon of Death Valley appeared on WWE Main Event, a reluctant Paul Heyman journeyed to the empty ring, delivering a message from his client, Brock Lesnar, that The Streak will definitively come to an end at the hands of The Beast Incarnate.

However, moments after the portentous gong rang through the arena, The Phenom surprised The Mad Scientist, appearing from nowhere to bring Heyman to his knees and delivering a message of his own – that he would “slay the Beast” on The Grandest Stage of Them All. He also made it clear that he would deliver that message personally this Monday on Raw.

Now, for those wondering why on earth this happened on Main Event, and not on RAW when ‘Taker was actually there (it was practically in his backyard, of course he was gonna be there!) and appeared to team up with John Cena in a dark match after the broadcast … oh, you didn’t know about this? Allow me to share!

Anyway, why push this to Main Event? My theory – to “encourage” more people to sign up for the WWE Network. You know, beyond that whole “one week free!” dangling carrot.

Now, I have heard that when you sign up for the one free week, you have to provide your credit card details anyway, so it’s not exactly a “try us for a week, for free, and then if you like it, you can sign up and pay” deal. More like you’re getting six months with an extra week tossed in for nothing.

Ah, guys? Given it’s $9.95 a month, that’s not exactly a big sweetener. So I suspect a bunch of folks have gone to sign up, been asked for credit card details and said, in effect, fuck that and not gone ahead.

I mean, why would you? The bloody thing’s apparently hardly working anyway. They keep yanking content down – the official word is to “fix music or audio issues”, but more than likely it’s because they forgot it’s got something controversial in it and no longer want it seen.

There was a statement from WWE a few weeks back about the ongoing issues which said:

“Notwithstanding the overwhelmingly positive response to WWE Network, we want to ensure subscribers have the highest-quality experience watching WrestleMania 30 and all our programming, and thus have put in place significant quality assurances. These steps include increased capacity to handle high volumes of transactions, logins, and concurrent live streams, daily ‘stress’ testing of all systems over an extended period, and the addition of technology experts to review our plan and procedures. We’re confident that we’ll be ready on Sunday, April 6.”

In other words, don’t bet on being able to see WrestleMania 30 live streaming on the WWE Network.

So in order to bolster the flagging or non-existent interest in the WWE Network, they’ve tossed one of their biggest drawcards onto a show that is now only seen on the Network. Except for us Aussies, where we still get it on TV. Yeah, way to go there, WWE – you rock. Not.

Undertaker 18 March 2014 – Main Event Photos

So again, we get Heyman out running his gums first, and then ‘Taker does his “appear in the ring out of darkness” fake-out entrance. Honestly never gonna get tired of that!

Still wearing the “RIP PB” tights – I like that.

As for Paul E. grabbing his chest like that? Yeah, I’d do it too if I turned around and saw that big luscious hunk of manflesh looming over me. Probably for different reasons though! 😉

And yep, might not take me long to be on my knees either!

Too much information? 😉

So yeah, WWE digitals totally suck balls (Hello? If ‘Taker is such a huge drawcard, how come you can only come up with three digitals?), so I snagged these next three from Facebook 😉

Awesome close-up screengrab of an angry Deadman!

Ahhh, if they’re going to zoom in that close, ‘Taker needs to be touching up the beard re-growth a little more often! 😉

{I totally understand, white hair re-growth used to be the bane of my freakin’ existence until I stopped colouring that segment of my hair. One of things we redheads have – yeah, we go white rather than grey – and you would not believe the number of people who refuse to believe my white hair locks are Mother Nature rather than a talented colourist. But generally our hair also grows faster, so re-growth is a maintenance nightmare. #GingerProblems 😉 }

However, I can overlook the beard re-growth issue because it appears that there’s chest hair there! (Or it’s just funky lighting.)

Either way, man’s looking just fucking fine!

(This one’s from the WWE’s Official Facebook page.)

Yep, really looking like there’s chest hair there – me likes!

Back to WWE’s pitiful digitals for this last one, which is of course an iconic image.

WWE.com at lease has video here and holy crap, take that puppy full screen and yep, the ‘Taker’s got himself one hairy chest there!

God love him, I do love chest hair on a man!

(I would have grabbed a screenshot but I was too busy drooling!)

Oh, and thanks for the heads up, ‘Taker – we’ll all be watching RAW on Monday to see what happens next! (Hint: It will involve Heyman on the mic, not Bork. That’s my bet anyway!)

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14 March 2014: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Big Show def. Kane

(Photo from Kane’s Official Facebook page)

Prior to his match against Big Show, Corporate Kane ordered The Shield to be at ringside. Though they made it clear they didn’t take orders from the Director of Operations, The Hounds also said that, in the end, they always do what is best for business.

In the midst of the colossal SmackDown main event that followed, The Shield did come to the ring. However, when Kane ordered them to attack The World’s Largest Athlete in the height of the action, they would not comply. Moments later, Big Show delivered a chokeslam that finished off the corporate combatant.

As the smoke cleared, a seething Kane grabbed Seth Rollins and dragged him into the ring. But as he raised Rollins into the air to attempt his own chokeslam, Roman Reigns blasted the corporate entity with an earth-shattering Spear.

Now, what’s missing from this picture are the two backstage segments with Kane and The Shield. Thank you, WWE, for giving us both Kane in one of his beautifully tailored suits and Kane beautifully bare-chested in one deliciously fell swoop!

If you haven’t seen them, hunt them down on YouTube or Hulu, or the WWE Network, if you’ve gone down that path!

Kane 14 March 2014 – Big Show vs. Kane: Photos

“Kane emerges for his main event showdown against Big Show.”

Bare-chested. In dress pants. Yep, that look is a definite keeper!

These pants aren’t his “so tight they’re probably illegal in some states” ones. These have a little more … crotch room. These are action dress pants.

Ask me if I give a fuck! 😉

“The two seven-footers square off one week after Big Show KO’d the Director of Operations in tag team action.”

Wiping the drool off my chin here – damnit, Kane is ripped! Abs of a Big Red Sex God!

However, he has shaved his chest and abs again. Did he not get the memo about how insanely hot that was? On the plus side, it does appear he can grow that fuzz pretty damn quickly so … stay tuned! 😉

Again, big ol’ “No!” to that slap about to be delivered to the chest, but a “Hell yeah” to Kane stretched out there on display like that!

See what I mean about these being Kane’s rassling pants – as opposed to being his lusty fangirl’s dream tight suit pants? 😉

Although, had he been wearing those lusty fangirl’s dream pants, we could have had that much-prayed for wardrobe malfunction at this move!

You like how I can see a silver lining in almost everything? It’s a gift!

“Kane looks to ground The World’s Largest Athlete.”

Who? I’m just spellbound by acres of rippling muscles there!

Honestly, it’s such a thrill to watch Kane in the ring. Because he is still so bloody good at this! Not even talking about how pornographically good he looks – I tell you, that big screen TV has more thn paid for itself in the pleasure of watching wrestling on it!

The other great thing about a big screen TV is the details you pick up – such as, Kane might be shaving his chest, but he had some serious beard scruff happening. Man I love me some scruff!

Goddamn but I love seeing those abs! HAWT!!!

“Big Show battles back with gigantic force.”

Mmmm, back muscles!

That’s gotta hurt!

“The Devil’s Favorite Demon looks for help from The Shield.”

Cos, yanno, everyone takes orders from their boss when he’s sitting there bare-chested with his six pack on display … -snickering-

I’m with you, Kane – this looks like a case of gross insubordination to me!

Puzzled!Kane is adorkable, even when he’s also Half-naked!Kane, who is just sex on a freakin’ stick!

“The Hounds of Justice are reluctant to back WWE’s Director of Operations … ”

Oh man, that move from Kane when he pulls himself up in the corner is all kinds of hot! Plus it features more rippling muscles!

” … and get an earful as a result.”

I would so not be listening to a word he said. Because abs. Dear gods, the abs.

… abs

… muscles

I’m sorry, what were you saying? 😉

… scruff

Pardon me, I believe my ovaries have just a’sploded. Again.

“In the commotion, Big Show catches the distracted opponent with a chokeslam.”

And damnit, why aren’t we getting the 180 degree of this camera angle? Because judging by the handful of Kane’s dress pants Big Show has there, we’d get an excellent package view! 😉

I guess we’ll have to make do with acres of rippling back muscles instead!

Holy. Crap.

Definitive proof – no VPL!

And yes, we welcome back with love the Kane fangirl who chooses the photos for the web. While SmackDown is once again the red-headed stepchild of the shows, with a shoddy write-up for the results even though they have three days to do it, and half the programming being “Raw rebounds” because god forbid we should miss any of Raw for the second time around, this photo makes up for it!

As usual, there is speculation between Pats and I that the Kane fangirl is actually an exceedingly not-hetero photographer. And yanno what? There’s nothing wrong with that! Except he’s got to stand in line behind us!

Kane has a superlatively great ass, doesn’t he? 😉

“Big Show stands tall over his fallen opponent.”

No, that should read: Kane looks pornographically lovely flat on his back like that!

Hot damn, he’s in good shape!

“After Kane attacks Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns delivers a Spear to WWE’s Director of Operations.”

More acres of rippling back muscles!

So, next week, The Shield are gonna get reprimanded for putting their hands on management, right? 😉

“Reigns, Ambrose & Rollins stand united over the fallen corporate executive.”

Kane ends up on his back again … yummy!

Poor Kane – need someone to kiss a boo-boo better? 😉

WWE.com has video here, kicking off with an awesome chokeslam off the top rope by Kane, followed by another Kane-tanty thirty seconds later when he doesn’t get the three count he was looking for!

Seriously, when Kane’s in the corner at around 0:50, looking at Rollins and saying, “Why do you think you’re out here? Let’s go!” … damn. I think the response to that is supposed to be, “Yes boss!”

Watch at 1:05 when he just effortlessly pulls himself up using the ropes … hot.

Then at 1:30 with, “Do you know who I am? I’m the boss!”

He can boss me around any day!

Unfortunately, by 2:00, it’s all over bar the shouting, as Kane walks into the chokeslam from Show.

There is however a teeny moment during the replay of that where the extra room in Kane’s rassling dress pants gives us a glimpse of a leetle more of his hip than expected – watch real close and you’ll see it. that wardrobe malfunction may yet happen!

Love how Kane hauls Rollins into the ring by the hair, then gets levelled by Reigns’ Spear. And sells it for all he’s worth – that’s how you put a guy over, Triple H – you ought to try it some time. 😉

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