WrestleMania XXX preview: Kane

From WWE.com:

The Shield vs. Kane & The New Age Outlaws

Since being hired as Director of Operations by The Authority, the always volatile Kane has struggled at times to act in a manner befitting an impartial administrative figure. When challenged, he has often unleashed Big Red rage on any Superstars who refused to respect the rule of WWE COO Triple H & Stephanie McMahon. And now that The Shield has stopped following the company line, The Devil’s Favorite Demon will partner with The New Age Outlaws at The Showcase of the Immortals to attempt to put The Hounds of Justice in their place.

In a little more than a year’s time, the black-clad trio of Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins & United States Champion Dean Ambrose has laid waste to the likes of The Undertaker, The Rock, Daniel Bryan and Big Show. All the while, their unique brand of justice has often brought them into an unspoken alliance with The Authority along the way. However, after infighting and jealousy caused The Hounds to suffer heartbreaking defeats to The Wyatt Family, an intense “Shield Summit” on SmackDown brought Reigns, Rollins & Ambrose into a renewed unity that would spell destruction for anyone in their path — including, as it turned out, high-ranking Authority brass.

When Kane began talking down to The Shield and order them to administer beat downs to Big Show and Jerry Lawler respectively, the triumvirate refused to comply, instead turning their assault on the Director of Operations.

In response, Kane enlisted the services of the six-time Tag Team Champions, The New Age Outlaws, to help deliver a retaliatory strike to The Shield during a WWE Tag Team Title No. 1 Contenders Fatal 4-Way Match. It’s hard to ignore that Road Dogg & Billy Gunn have longstanding ties with The Authority’s Triple H, which date back to their days of running roughshod over Superstars as part of DX.

Will the Attitude Era stalwarts make The Shield regret ever crossing their “Authority”? Or will The Hounds of Justice prove on The Grandest Stage of Them All that, when united, the WWE Universe is indeed still their yard? Find out when WrestleMania 30 airs live on WWE Network, Sunday April 6!

So, the minute I spotted this pic from Kane’s Official Facebook page, I immediately sent it to Pats.

Who responded, in her inimitable fashion: “Well if you cut out the left half of the pic, then photoshop out the New Age Outlaws, perfection!”

Say what? There’s other people in that photo apart from the half naked hunk of luscious manflesh that is Kane? I got as far as the naked abs and developed a serious case of tunnel vision! 😉

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28 March 2014: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

The Shield’s Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins def. 3MB

Following a calculated ambush by Kane and numerous tag teams one week ago, Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins continued their road to retribution right through 3MB’s Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre. Moments after Rollins disposed of Mahal with a high-flying assault outside the ring, the United States Champion delivered “Dirty Deeds” for the pin fall.

The Shield’s victory party was cut short, as WWE’s Director of Operations emerged with a well-dressed Road Dogg & Billy Gunn. Kane announced that Ambrose & Rollins would have to endure a second contest against Ryback & Curtis Axel, if they planned on riding The Road to WrestleMania intact.

And because WWE.com can’t be trusted to sit the right way on a toilet … no photos, no video. Moving on then!

Again, from WWE.com:

The Shield’s Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins def. RybAxel

As Kane and his WrestleMania tag team partners looked on, the battle-tested Hounds of Justice fought off their second opponents of the night. In a showdown that stretched both inside and outside the ring, the red-hot Rollins finished off their formidable foes by delivering some Peace of Mind to a dazed Curtis Axel.

Roman Reigns joined the post-match celebration with a Superman Punch on Ryback, before The Shield delivered a commanding Triple Powerbomb to The Human Wrecking Ball to send a resounding message to their WrestleMania 30 adversaries.

Kane 28 March 2014 – Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins vs. Ryback & Curtis Axel: Photos

Corporate!Kane always gives me a happy! Since it tends to come with bonus Kane audio porn.

Road Dogg looks slightly better tonight in his suit but jesus wept, that checkered suit on Billy Gunn is fifty shades of awful!

Awww! Corporate!Kane is darkly gleeful!

Oh excuse us, is our corporate business meeting interrupting your match? 😉

And … that’s it. Wow, underwhelmed.

WWE.com have video here – not of Kane’s announcement of the second match, but at least they flick over to Kane and the Outlaws a fair bit!

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24 MArch 2014: RAW digitals – Undertaker

From WWE.com:

(From WWE’s Official Facebook page)

Brock Lesnar called out The Undertaker

Perhaps Brock Lesnar is going about this all wrong. In the weeks leading up to WrestleMania, The Anomaly and his advocate, Paul Heyman, have been approaching and addressing The Undertaker as if Lesnar is walking into a fight like any other. What happened on Raw may change that.

Lesnar made the rather bold maneuver to cut Heyman off mid-oration and demand The Phenom present himself for a fight. What he got was a horde of druids carrying a casket down to ringside, though when The Beast Incarnate peered inside, the casket was empty. Not for long, though: After Lesnar and Heyman took to the mic to denounce The Demon of Death valley, the casket opened and The Deadman rose, laying fists upon fists into The Anomaly’s torso and sending him tumbling over the coffin. At WrestleMania, Lesnar might not be so lucky: He might end up in it.

Well yep, this segment proves that Bork should never be given a mic.

And hey, what did you do for your birthday, ‘Taker? Oh you know, wheeled to the ring under a coffin, hid under the ring before climbing up into the bloody coffin from underneath – the usual. 😉

Undertaker 24 March 2014 – The Undertaker rises from a coffin to attack Brock Lesnar: Photos

“Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman arrive on Raw … intent on addressing The Anomaly’s match against the mythical Undertaker at WrestleMania.”

Ah, sir? Sir? Point of order, sir! (Totally stealing Brendon Burns’s style here!) The Undertaker is “mythic”, not fucking “mythical”. “Mythical” means an imaginary person or animal, existing only in myth. “Mythic” is one whose actions or persona have the quality of a myth, but a real person nonetheless.

“Heyman vows victory for his client when Lesnar stares down The Deadman at The Showcase of the Immortals.”

Really, the only reason this even looks half as good a match as it does is because of Heyman’s mic skills.

“Lesnar calls out The Phenom, saying, “I’m not here to promote. I’m here to fight.” ”

That’s where this segment jumped the shark – the minute Lesnar got his hands on the mic.

“Speak The Demon of Death Valley’s name …”

That’s a big casket …

Ah, the druids! Haven’t seen them in a while!

“A casket is led to the ring by a horde of druids.”

A horde? Look, idiots, the only thing that comes in hordes are fucking barbarians! This is a “group” of druids, as there is not a specific collective for druids, per se. And they did not “lead” the casket – only animals and people can be “led”. They “escorted” it, or “guided” it … sheesh, why do I bother? Someone at WWE.com got their hands on a vocab builder and we’re suffering as a result.

“But when Lesnar musters the courage to open it up, the coffin is empty …”

Well duh! That’s how it always goes down!

… oh my.

Give that photographer a beer, because that is some shot! -fans self!-

It’s roomy in that casket … reckon you could fit two people in there, if they were real friendly with one another! 😉

“The Deadman rises, literally, out of the casket and into the ring!”

And looked good doing it too!

Giving Lesnar his patented, “You’re fucked now, boy” stare!

A ton of bad things coming Lesnar’s way!

“The Undertaker comes face-to-face with his WrestleMania foe.”

Who looks appropriately terrified!

I liked this part – ‘Taker was moving like a man in great shape for a match! Quick as a damn cat!

Only thing missing was Jim Ross on commentary, calling him the “best pure striker in sports entertainment history”!

And Bork seems to be on the same page, at least.

“The Phenom’s continued assault on Lesnar chases The Beast from the ring.”

Okay, that should have gone a little better – Lesnar should have gotten some offense in, at least. To make it look like he really will “East Sleep Conquer the Streak”.

We did the whole “pointing at the WrestleMania sign” thing … yawn. Can they not come up with anything new?

“Is The Deadman inside Brock Lesnar’s head?”

See, that’s what’s so bloody frustrating about this match build! ‘Taker’s said barely two dozen words, how the fuck is he in anyone’s head? (Well, he’s always in my head, doing things that’ll frighten fish, but that’s another story!)

This match build has been about Heyman talking Lesnar up (while simultaneously talking ‘Taker up, which is no mean feat!). Then the one time Lesnar gets his hand on the mic to call ‘Taker out, he’s backing away the minute ‘Taker shows up. That doesn’t sound like someone who is “here to fight”.

Now, if this was Heyman manipulating Lesnar into a match he knows Lesnar can’t win, preparatory to dropping Lesnar like a hot potato … but even then it’s failing. Lesnar in that scenario isn’t going to be calling out The Phenom … unless he knows ‘Taker won’t show up.

But hell, ‘Taker himself told us last week on Main Event that he’d be on Raw on Monday. So that’s a bust.

I don’t know why I’m even trying to make sense of it, truly I don’t. I do know it deserves better – ‘Taker deserves better.

Not bad for an old guy, huh? 😉

Always going to be one of my favourite poses!

WWE.com has video here – no bullshit, cutting straight to the chase with the druids bringing the casket out, and cutting and pasting to get just the action!

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24 March 2014: RAW digitals – Kane

So, um, isn’t this about the time of year they have that big PPV? What’s it called – WrestleMania?

Did they call that off this year or what?

Sheesh, what an absolute clusterfuck of a build to ‘Mania – you couldn’t have come up with something worse if you tried. I’m pretty sure the guys in Creative are just flinging shit at the walls at this point, and hoping something sticks.

That said, the opening segment was hysterical … for all the wrong reasons. Botchtista still can’t be trusted to get his minimal lines right without fucking them up, Steph hits like a girl but can knock the douchebag sunglasses off a douchebag pretty well, and Randy Orton almost lost it completely in the ring when Botchtista’s mic didn’t work.

Go back and watch it, unless they edit the shit out of it for the website – he actually has to turn away to get the giggles under control. Which was priceless, seriously!

But the icing on the cake when Botchtista tore the ass out of his not-skinny jeans with that ugly spear on Randy. I swear, Randy rolled right out of the ring after that because he was killing himself laughing!

Good times!

But yeah, apparently WrestleMania is coming up – although it’s hard to get excited by that, because, well, the build up sucks.

So, let’s see what happened, shall we?

From WWE.com:

The Shield def. The Real Americans

Even a Real American isn’t immune from the long arm of justice, as Jack Swagger & Cesaro found out when they battled Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins on Raw. Believing Zeb’s boys were equally responsible for their thrashing on SmackDown, The Shield took the fight to their opponents before the bell even rang and coasted to an early advantage when the match began.

Cesaro helped the Americans right the ship by sending Ambrose for a 20-rotation Cesaro Swing, but a series of slaps to the face spurred the “lunatic fringe” into action. Ambrose laid out Cesaro, tagged in Rollins and “the aerialist” took off, breaking free of Swagger’s Patriot Lock to seal the match with his “Peace of Mind” stomp to the head.

Moments later, The Shield finished their tour of vengeance with a Triple Powerbomb through the commentary table to Cesaro, but it seems all their conflict against The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations will soon come to a head: Per Kane’s orders, at WrestleMania, The Hounds of Justice will face Kane & The New Age Outlaws.

Kane 24 March 2014 – Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins vs. The Real Americans: Photos

“Director of Operations Kane makes a major WrestleMania announcement … at The Show of Shows, The Shield will square off against Kane & The New Age Outlaws.”

Corporate!Kane! In those pants – yummy! The New Age Outlaws? Not so much – jesus, were they shopping at Goodwill for their suits?

And that’s it. That’s all the Kane we get. Looking yummy in the suit, certainly, and a snippet of audio porn but …

Underwhelming. Really. Lame ass set up for the match. Liked the physicality that’s been a feature of this to begin with, but now we’re taking the lame duck approach.

Fortunately, we did also get this shot on WWE’s Official Facebook page. Kane’s definitely yummy in a suit, but the Outlaws? Yeah … less said about that the better! 😉

WWE.com has video here – don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against The Shield or this match for ‘Mania. The Shield are going places, and Kane’s putting them over, which is great.

It’s just that, like so much else in WWE these days, Creative are doing a lousy fucking job packaging something that could be great if done the right way.

Remember the days when you didn’t know what you were looking forward to most at ‘Mania, because all the matches had been “sold” in such a great way that you anticipated every one of them. There were promos and match interference, sides being taken, all that good story telling stuff that just doesn’t happen any more. -sigh-

The Shield are doing the very best with it they can, as are Kane and the Outlaws, but jeez, this could be great and it’s being treated like a last minute mid-card addition that may end up bumped to the pre-show. And if that happens, I will be beyond pissed.

Anyway, the relevant part of this video begins around 3:30 – not to say the match before then wasn’t great, because it was.

Let’s see what happens next – also known as, let’s see how bad Creative fumbles this one.

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24 March 2014: Happy birthday Mark!

You know folks, WrestleMania’s right around the corner and that means the first of two special days around here.

That’s right – March 24 is the birthday of our very own Undertaker, Mark Callaway!

So in keeping with tradition, allow me to present the annual birthday picspam!

Happy birthday Mark! 24 March 2014

You know, every year this process is exactly the same. I trawl through literally hundreds of photos I’ve gleaned over the course of the previous year, wondering which ones to include.

I go back through previous picspams to make sure I’m not repeating myself.

And I’m struck over and over by one particular thing – the beauty of this man’s face.

So, here we go again!

(Oh, and I think I said this last year, but it bears repeating – in most cases, I have not credited these photos. Because I have discovered that websites, particularly Facebook and Tumblr, are just dens of out-and-out thieves. They’ll crop out someone else’s watermark and slap one of their own on a picture like it’s actually their property or creation. Some of them aren’t even that clever – they’ll whack their mark right on something that’s already watermarked by someone else! If it’s original art work, then expect a credit. Otherwise? Sorry folks – these are all out there in the public domain. I’m not claiming ownership of them, I’m just sharing them for others to look at. If you don’t like it? Well that’s tough – cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. Life’s too short for all that bullshit.)

Okay, jumping in the “way back” machine here – a very young Mark when was billed as “The Punisher”. I am so not sure about that mask though!

A little pre-Ministry era ‘Taker is always good!

And wow, this was such a find! Very evocative and quite spiritual …

-chuckles- ‘Taker as fake Kane – which was only possible when Kane was completely covered. Ah, not sure how many of you have been around long enough to remember this little gem …

Which was created by yours truly for … comparison purposes. You figure out what was being compared! 😉

Now, there’s for some reason always a dearth of pictures of ‘Taker as the American Bad Ass, which is a damn crying shame, because he wore that real well! So I’m including a few just for Pats!

Yep, that look is such a keeper!

Of course, what made this character equally appealing was he was such a cocky sonofabitch. That’s appealing as hell too! (Unfortunately, it’s also not really TV PG, which is probably why we seldom see clips of it from the WWE!)

This one’s from SummerSlam 2004 – so it’s post-American Bad Ass, but not yet morphed back into the Deadman.

It’s still damn fine though!

And one from a Tribute to the Troops show around the same era – there’s something rather novel about seeing ‘Taker in his ring gear in full sunlight, hence this one’s inclusion!

More recent incarnation of the Deadman now – very few guys as good on the mic as ‘Taker, in my opinion.

Had to include an (almost) full length one because, damn, that is a good looking hunk of manflesh!

This is one of David Seeto’s amazing photos – seriously, WWE should have him working for them, if he can get shots this good from the audience! This was from RAW’s 800th show in 2008.

I miss the good old days of seeing ‘Taker on TV every week. So damn much. Thank the good gods for YouTube and DVD collections! 😉

Wouldn’t be a mini-career retrospective without a shot of ‘Taker wearing the big shiny package enhancer World Heavyweight Championship belt! 😉

A rather nice behind-the-scenes one, featuring the classic leather coat. Simple, restrained. Elegant, one might say. Unlike the current versions of the coat … -eyeroll-

We got a rare treat this last year, with ‘Taker staying on after ‘Mania for a short program with The Shield. Doing the right thing and helping build up the younger talent. Mad props to him for that!

Remember what I said about extraordinary physical beauty? Yeah, that’s what these next few are about – those photos that just make your breath catch when you see them.

An iconic gesture from a legend in the ring. Who also happens to be spectacularly well put together. Winning combination in my books!

Yep. That is one fine specimen of manhood right there!

One who really is strikingly good looking. Another one of those breathtaking photos!

Even now, with a few more years on him, without the beautiful long hair (damn, I miss the hair!), he’s still captivating!

Now you want to talk good-looking, holy gods, this is the concept art for the Undertaker character in WWE ’13.

And people wonder why I miss the hair – it’s jealousy, damn it! I wish my hair looked that good! 😉

Jumping outside the ring now. And I may well have used this pic before but I’m gonna use it again because … yeah. Spellbinding!

Bring on that biker beefcake!

A Superman t-shirt? Okay, yeah, he pulls that off!

Bet you money this is a Affliction t-shirt – nice!

“No strings attached”? I nearly died laughing when I saw this one surface this year! That is a cute t-shirt with some serious double meaning!

Bonus shot: shorts! And sneakers with neon green laces – an idea I do plan to steal for my own sneakers.

Does he have to look so smug, surrounded by pretty girls? 😉 Yeah, I guess he does!

But oh man oh man, does he looks good in a suit! -fans self-

The bad news is that I didn’t win ‘Taker’s West Coast Chopper. The good news is that while that raffle was running, I got to enjoy dozens upon dozens of photos of him with it!

-snickering- ‘Taker has taken to wearing a fedora, and looking damn sharp in it. There were more than a few Heisenberg jokes floating around at the time!

Nabbed this one from Facebook and it’s rather clever (though not claiming that the person who watermarked this is the one who created it, remember?) – pretty much every ‘Taker (and pre-‘Taker!) look through the years!

This one will get credit, though, because I know for sure this was made by the page in question – it’s from the Apocalyptic Warrior22 ‘Taker fanpage on Facebook. (The same genius who is behind the Seven Foot Monster22 Kane fanpage on Facebook.)

Great work on this one!

This one has a WWE logo, but that’s no guarantee it’s official WWE artwork. Regardless, it’s pretty damn fine.

This time last year, we were still coming to terms with Bill Moody’s sudden and much mourned passing. This year, he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, where he has more than earned a place.

So it seems only fitting to include some photos of him in this picspam, as a way of honouring him and the amazing contribution he made to Mark’s career, and to the friendship they shared.

Paul and a very young Mark. This one makes me smile.

I do believe there are some intoxicated people in this photo! 😉 But I’ll bet they had a great time!

These photos will probably break my heart a little for ever.

A screengrab that captures the emotion of a very public farewell.

God bless, Paul Bearer – our lives were richer for having you in them.

Here’s to a very happy birthday from all of us here, Mr Callaway – remember, you’re not getting older, you’re getting better! (And forget all that rot about maturity – no one can make you grow up if you don’t want to!) And good luck at WrestleMania 30!

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21 March 2014: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

SmackDown Results: Cena def. Harper, Kane orchestrated a massive ambush on The Shield

Kane addressed the Raw slaughter of Daniel Bryan

HOUSTON – The latest stop on The Road to WrestleMania saw John Cena’s continued struggle against the intimidation of The Wyatt Family, a pre-Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal free-for-all and a WWE Tag Team Title No. 1 Contender’s Match that transformed into an all-out assault on The Hounds of Justice.

In SmackDown’s opening segment, rather than responding to The Shield attacking him – both one week ago and on Monday’s Raw – Director of Operations Kane focused on WWE COO Triple H’s brutal Raw assault of Daniel Bryan. Referring to the onslaught as the end of the “Yes!” Movement, the WWE executive said The Beard deserved what he got. Then Kane put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the WWE Universe for feeding Bryan’s ego and reaffirmed that no one is bigger than The Authority.

Kane then read a written statement from The Game, who expressed regret about being forced to take matters into his own hands in response to Bryan’s lack of respect and discipline. The message also shared his hope that the WWE Universe would understand that there must be respect for Authority.

Nothing finer than kicking off SmackDown with a nice big dose of Kane! (Pity about the lengthy bloody RAW video – jeez, talk about being the red-headed stepchild show again.)

Kane 21 March 2014 – Kane celebrates the death of the “Yes!” Movement: Photos

“WWE Director of Operations Kane kicks off what is sure to be an explosive episode of SmackDown.”

What, they served burritos in Catering again? (Sorry #YesIAmTwelve #FartJokesAreAlwaysFunny #LookMaImHashtagging!)

Proving he’s not a true ginger, Kane’s hair is taking a while to grow back in, but it’s getting there. Damn he looks fine in a suit! And yes, again wearing the “should be illegal in some states” dress pants. Might need an icon for those pants … 😉

Time for some Corporate!Kane audio porn – goody!

“Instead of responding to The Shield attacking him – one week ago on SmackDown and Monday on Raw – Kane focuses on WWE COO Triple H’s brutal Raw beat down on Daniel Bryan.”

Because now that Triple H has managed to insert himself into the main event of WrestleMania, we’ll never see the end of the big-nosed sonofabitch. -rolls eyes-

Kane’s looking like a tent revival preacher in this one! I don’t have any urges to send him my life savings, but I would do some … other things … for him!

Too much information? 😉

And now it’s “Let’s go to the video!” time! -snickering-

However, did note that the video package edited out the chair shot to DBryan’s head – cos as we know, chair shots to the head are now verboten. Maybe COOs don’t get fined for breaking the rules, so long as no one sees? Newsflash: we all saw, it was live. -facepalm-

Also? Steph does hit like a girl. After DBryan said that, she should have punched him in the nose. But instead she just hits him like a girl again. Sheesh.

“He declare the assault the end of the “Yes!” Movement, giving Bryan what he deserved for thinking he is bigger than The Authority.”

Looking very earnest there!

Damnit, I can listen to him talk all day! (I think I’ve mentioned that before.)

Oh he’s all finger-pointy again! Hawt!

“Kane then reads a written statement from Triple H, expressing regret about being forced to take matters into his own hands in response to Bryan’s lack of respect.”

He has the most wonderful hands, have you ever noticed?

“The message concludes with the COO sharing his hope that the WWE Universe understands that there must be respect for Authority.”

Kane plays corporate lackey with a straight face, proving again that he is a brilliant actor.

Unfortunately, there’s no video of this segment, unless WWE.com has it buried somewhere obscure. But what I found the funniest of the whole bit was that Summer Rae and Fandango were making their entrance before Kane had left.

Now seriously, is Fandango a gigantic joke or what? Because dear gods in heaven, his dancing is such blatant homoeroticism that not even Summer Rae saves it.

Apparently, Kane agrees – because they cut to him on the ramp, looking very damn disgusted before he marched past them and left.

Then again, maybe he was pissed off that they had Fandango and Summer entering early before he’d left.

Hey, I found it amusing anyway! Hit up YouTube or Hulu and see what you think!

Again, from WWE.com:

WWE Tag Team Title No. 1 Contenders Fatal 4-Way Match ended in No Contest and ambush on The Shield

In a furious Fatal 4-Way tag team showdown ordered by The Authority, Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins, The Real Americans, Ryback & Curtis Axel and 3MB battled to determine the No. 1 contenders to face WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos.

However, before a winner could be determined, Director of Operations Kane, and then The New Age Outlaws, shocked the WWE Universe by suddenly attacking The Shield. The other participating teams quickly joined the onslaught on The Hounds of Justice, who ended up getting systematically taken apart by the overwhelming numbers.

Later, it become clear that Kane had in fact planned the entire thing, as he awarded tag team title matches to both RybAxel and The Real Americans as a reward for their involvement, while putting 3MB into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. As for the New Age Outlaws, as they joined Kane in celebration in his office, one couldn’t help but remember that both the Director of Operations and Road Dogg & Billy Gunn share a common association with The Authority.

Kane 21 March 2014 – WWE Tag Team Championship No. 1 Contenders Fatal 4-Way Match: Photos

And we’re straight into the good stuff with a bare-chested Kane in those pants, beating Roman Reigns like he’s a government mule! With the New Age Outlaws – okay, guess I can get that, since they’re old buddies of Triple H.

But! Half naked Kane! In those pants! Out of nowhere!

Just praying for a wardrobe malfunction! 😉

Damnit, that man gets more ripped every week!

Oh holy fuck! Check out Kane’s back – that lovely triangular shape from his shoulders down to a surprisingly trim waist and that ass … those pants riding just so on his hips. Is that pornographically lovely or what? -swoons!-

You mess with the big guy, you get the goozle, man. And what a goozle – jeez, the height on that chokeslam is incredible!

And you know what’s hotter than fuck? Kane, all growly, letting The Shield know in no uncertain terms that they picked the wrong guy to fuck with.

Because there’s a monster in (half of) that suit!

Also? #ShoulderPorn!

Hell, I’ll even forgive him for shaving his chest again if I get to see this on a weekly basis!

And another shot of those pants riding low on those hips, and that incredibly fine ass … I think I might need a cigarette! -fans self!-

WWE.com has the video here, and as you’d expect, it’s really the closing stages of the match that kicks it off.

Watch at about 0:50 for a flash of bare chest and then Kane’s there at 0:55, laying into Reigns outside the ring … and looking as fine as fuck doing it!

And goddamnit those pants are hella distracting! The cameraman following the action is really following the action, as this is the finest porn of Kane’s magnificent ass you could ever want!

Praying for that wardrobe malfunction big time! 😉

Damn, Kane putting those nice dress shoes to work on Reigns really is hot – we’re back to that, “Fuck this, let’s rumble!” vibe again!

There’s a little moment about 2:20 where Kane has to hitch up the legs of those pants before kicking Reigns in the face which is insanely hot!

As is the smirk on Kane’s face at around 3:20 when, having laid waste to Rollins and Ambrose in the ring, The Outlaws are bringing Reigns in for a dose of the same.

What WWE.com again doesn’t have is video of the backstage spot, where all the other teams in the abortive match get their pay off for helping dismantle the scene.

Dear gods, Kane being all business and handing out matches while still bare chested in those pants is … holy crap. Ovaries a’sploding time!

And there’s a nice minute with the Outlaws at the end too, handshakes and hugs and such – yes, Kane, hugging! Not that stupid “hug it out” hug stuff but proper manly hugging and shoulder slapping.

Please, if you have not seen this, go now to YouTube or Hulu to find it! You won’t regret it! 😉

Because if nothing else, there’s some sublime shots of those little denty bits above his hips (thank you to those pants!) that are just phenomenally sexy!

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18 March 2014: Main Event digitals – Undertaker

First, this happened on RAW (From WWE.com):

Paul Heyman addressed The Undertaker

Give Paul Heyman credit: When The Undertaker isn’t in the building, the advocate for The Beast Incarnate Brock Lesnar can talk a pretty good game. Without The Phenom himself looming in the ring, the mad scientist had all the room he needed to prophecy the downfall of The Undertaker’s fabled Streak at Lesnar’s hands, using Lesnar’s record against The Deadman’s previous WrestleMania opponents as evidence. “I know it’s an uncomfortable thought,” said Heyman, “But on April 6, The Undertaker and The Undertaker’s Streak will rest in peace.”

And then we all heard ‘Taker would be addressing this on Main Event. Say what?

Okay then, again from WWE.com:

WWE Main Event Results: Promising to slay The Beast at WrestleMania, The Undertaker declared he’ll be coming for Brock on Raw

The Undertaker sent frightening message to Brock Lesnar

Before The Demon of Death Valley appeared on WWE Main Event, a reluctant Paul Heyman journeyed to the empty ring, delivering a message from his client, Brock Lesnar, that The Streak will definitively come to an end at the hands of The Beast Incarnate.

However, moments after the portentous gong rang through the arena, The Phenom surprised The Mad Scientist, appearing from nowhere to bring Heyman to his knees and delivering a message of his own – that he would “slay the Beast” on The Grandest Stage of Them All. He also made it clear that he would deliver that message personally this Monday on Raw.

Now, for those wondering why on earth this happened on Main Event, and not on RAW when ‘Taker was actually there (it was practically in his backyard, of course he was gonna be there!) and appeared to team up with John Cena in a dark match after the broadcast … oh, you didn’t know about this? Allow me to share!

Anyway, why push this to Main Event? My theory – to “encourage” more people to sign up for the WWE Network. You know, beyond that whole “one week free!” dangling carrot.

Now, I have heard that when you sign up for the one free week, you have to provide your credit card details anyway, so it’s not exactly a “try us for a week, for free, and then if you like it, you can sign up and pay” deal. More like you’re getting six months with an extra week tossed in for nothing.

Ah, guys? Given it’s $9.95 a month, that’s not exactly a big sweetener. So I suspect a bunch of folks have gone to sign up, been asked for credit card details and said, in effect, fuck that and not gone ahead.

I mean, why would you? The bloody thing’s apparently hardly working anyway. They keep yanking content down – the official word is to “fix music or audio issues”, but more than likely it’s because they forgot it’s got something controversial in it and no longer want it seen.

There was a statement from WWE a few weeks back about the ongoing issues which said:

“Notwithstanding the overwhelmingly positive response to WWE Network, we want to ensure subscribers have the highest-quality experience watching WrestleMania 30 and all our programming, and thus have put in place significant quality assurances. These steps include increased capacity to handle high volumes of transactions, logins, and concurrent live streams, daily ‘stress’ testing of all systems over an extended period, and the addition of technology experts to review our plan and procedures. We’re confident that we’ll be ready on Sunday, April 6.”

In other words, don’t bet on being able to see WrestleMania 30 live streaming on the WWE Network.

So in order to bolster the flagging or non-existent interest in the WWE Network, they’ve tossed one of their biggest drawcards onto a show that is now only seen on the Network. Except for us Aussies, where we still get it on TV. Yeah, way to go there, WWE – you rock. Not.

Undertaker 18 March 2014 – Main Event Photos

So again, we get Heyman out running his gums first, and then ‘Taker does his “appear in the ring out of darkness” fake-out entrance. Honestly never gonna get tired of that!

Still wearing the “RIP PB” tights – I like that.

As for Paul E. grabbing his chest like that? Yeah, I’d do it too if I turned around and saw that big luscious hunk of manflesh looming over me. Probably for different reasons though! 😉

And yep, might not take me long to be on my knees either!

Too much information? 😉

So yeah, WWE digitals totally suck balls (Hello? If ‘Taker is such a huge drawcard, how come you can only come up with three digitals?), so I snagged these next three from Facebook 😉

Awesome close-up screengrab of an angry Deadman!

Ahhh, if they’re going to zoom in that close, ‘Taker needs to be touching up the beard re-growth a little more often! 😉

{I totally understand, white hair re-growth used to be the bane of my freakin’ existence until I stopped colouring that segment of my hair. One of things we redheads have – yeah, we go white rather than grey – and you would not believe the number of people who refuse to believe my white hair locks are Mother Nature rather than a talented colourist. But generally our hair also grows faster, so re-growth is a maintenance nightmare. #GingerProblems 😉 }

However, I can overlook the beard re-growth issue because it appears that there’s chest hair there! (Or it’s just funky lighting.)

Either way, man’s looking just fucking fine!

(This one’s from the WWE’s Official Facebook page.)

Yep, really looking like there’s chest hair there – me likes!

Back to WWE’s pitiful digitals for this last one, which is of course an iconic image.

WWE.com at lease has video here and holy crap, take that puppy full screen and yep, the ‘Taker’s got himself one hairy chest there!

God love him, I do love chest hair on a man!

(I would have grabbed a screenshot but I was too busy drooling!)

Oh, and thanks for the heads up, ‘Taker – we’ll all be watching RAW on Monday to see what happens next! (Hint: It will involve Heyman on the mic, not Bork. That’s my bet anyway!)

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17 March 2014: RAW digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Kane accused Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler of orchestrating Occupy Raw

Did Jerry “The King” Lawler use the “Yes!” Movement as his own personal court in his hometown of Memphis? Kane certainly seemed to think so, though The Devil’s Favorite Director of Operations found his one-man investigation overturned by a truly unexpected enemy: The Shield.

Kane had just summoned Lawler into the ring under the pretense of exposing him as Bryan’s inside man throughout Occupy Raw. That brought out The Shield, who at first seemed poised to put the WWE Hall of Famer down at the behest of The Big Red Monster. As it turns out, The Hounds of Justice were more than ready to bite the hand that’s scalded them in recent weeks, and instead turned their focus towards Kane himself, to the tune of a big old Triple Powerbomb. Now that’s justice.

Kane 17 March 2014 – The Shield Triple Powerbombs Kane: Photos

I love me some Corporate!Kane!

Mostly because Corporate!Kane comes with bonus audio porn!

I could listen to this man talk all day! The fact that he’s doing it in that fine suit just makes it all the better!

“Director of Operations Kane surmises that WWE Hall of Famer Jerry “The King” Lawler was responsible for Occupy Raw in Memphis and, with the help of The Shield, orders Lawler into the ring.”

Never really figured him for a conspiracy theorist though … even if his political leanings are a little suspect for my liking!

I mean, come on, the idea of Jerry Lawler being in charge of anything while wearing that tragic tux t-shirt last week is just laughable! However, it is kind of a nice throwback to the early days when the character who shall remain un-named (psst, Isaac Yankem) was Jerry’s dentist. 😉

Bonus! We got Kane stripping! Loving that this is a feature of so many shows – could watch that man take his clothes off all day long!

Plus he’s wearing those “should be illegal in some states” pants too … right Pats? 😉

Uh oh …

Man, it’s hot when he gets all finger-pointy and demanding! Or is that just me? 😉

And that’s when things turned all pear-shaped.

On the bright side, you can see why Pats and I have a thing for those pants, right?

And yeah, we need to find the cameraman who always gets these epic Kane butt-shots and buy him a case of beer! (And remind him that the line forms behind us! 😉 )

Now look, I’m aware of the complaints about Corporate!Kane being a wuss, and demands to “bring back the awesome old Kane in my chosen iteration!” (not you guys, but the 85% who are all over various Kane pages on Facebook – sheesh, that’d seriously chap my ass if that’s all I heard day in and day out!).

The fact is, Kane’s putting The Shield and Roman Reigns over big time here, which is what he should be doing. He can’t wrestle forever, no one can – part of what more experienced talent should be doing is helping establish the credibility of the up and comers.

Some people (not naming any names, Triple H and Botchtista) could take lessons from him on selling and how it’s done.

And not saying Kane’s big or nothing, but yeah, I can see why it’d take three guys to power bomb him! 😉

Still selling it, bless him. But jesus, him in those pants on the ground like that? My imagination’s enjoying that WAY too much! 😉

WWE.com has video here, starting with the audio porn. Love me some Corporate!Kane audio porn!

And yeah, in that suit, in those pants … he could “investigate” me for all he was worth!

Ooops, did I say that out loud? 😉

And goddamnit to hell, they cut Kane stripping! Hit up YouTube or Hulu, because the stripping’s the best part!

That line about “We have known each other for a long time, Jerry”? Yeah, right in the feels, for those of us who know where pre-Kane Glenn started out in WWE.

“And we both know that you’re, well, not exactly in fighting shape. So, I’m not going to enjoy doing what I have to do.”

And then, so much love! The little smirk and “Well, maybe a little.” So so much love for that!

Seth Rollins getting on mic to say that The Shield “always does what’s best for business” – while Kane’s limbering up in the background. In those pants. Yeah, happy place!

Seriously though, watch closely from about 3:00 – because Kane’s facial expression alone says brilliantly eloquently that things are about to go pear-shaped in a big way. The guys in the back should be taking notes – and Kane can go on to an acting career once he hangs up his boots. Because goddamn, he is brilliant!

Kane does get a sweet upper cut in during the ensuing brawl, and that and the hopes for a wardrobe malfunction in those pants was good for me! 😉

The lesson in selling and putting guys over begins in earnest at 4:20.

And pardon me if I was wishing I was Roman Reigns during that Triple Powerbomb … think about it! 😉

(To quote the wonderfully funny @BrendonBurns, who said it about the Undertaker, but it equally applies to Roman Reigns: That guy’s had more dick on his chin than anyone!)

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14 March 2014: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Big Show def. Kane

(Photo from Kane’s Official Facebook page)

Prior to his match against Big Show, Corporate Kane ordered The Shield to be at ringside. Though they made it clear they didn’t take orders from the Director of Operations, The Hounds also said that, in the end, they always do what is best for business.

In the midst of the colossal SmackDown main event that followed, The Shield did come to the ring. However, when Kane ordered them to attack The World’s Largest Athlete in the height of the action, they would not comply. Moments later, Big Show delivered a chokeslam that finished off the corporate combatant.

As the smoke cleared, a seething Kane grabbed Seth Rollins and dragged him into the ring. But as he raised Rollins into the air to attempt his own chokeslam, Roman Reigns blasted the corporate entity with an earth-shattering Spear.

Now, what’s missing from this picture are the two backstage segments with Kane and The Shield. Thank you, WWE, for giving us both Kane in one of his beautifully tailored suits and Kane beautifully bare-chested in one deliciously fell swoop!

If you haven’t seen them, hunt them down on YouTube or Hulu, or the WWE Network, if you’ve gone down that path!

Kane 14 March 2014 – Big Show vs. Kane: Photos

“Kane emerges for his main event showdown against Big Show.”

Bare-chested. In dress pants. Yep, that look is a definite keeper!

These pants aren’t his “so tight they’re probably illegal in some states” ones. These have a little more … crotch room. These are action dress pants.

Ask me if I give a fuck! 😉

“The two seven-footers square off one week after Big Show KO’d the Director of Operations in tag team action.”

Wiping the drool off my chin here – damnit, Kane is ripped! Abs of a Big Red Sex God!

However, he has shaved his chest and abs again. Did he not get the memo about how insanely hot that was? On the plus side, it does appear he can grow that fuzz pretty damn quickly so … stay tuned! 😉

Again, big ol’ “No!” to that slap about to be delivered to the chest, but a “Hell yeah” to Kane stretched out there on display like that!

See what I mean about these being Kane’s rassling pants – as opposed to being his lusty fangirl’s dream tight suit pants? 😉

Although, had he been wearing those lusty fangirl’s dream pants, we could have had that much-prayed for wardrobe malfunction at this move!

You like how I can see a silver lining in almost everything? It’s a gift!

“Kane looks to ground The World’s Largest Athlete.”

Who? I’m just spellbound by acres of rippling muscles there!

Honestly, it’s such a thrill to watch Kane in the ring. Because he is still so bloody good at this! Not even talking about how pornographically good he looks – I tell you, that big screen TV has more thn paid for itself in the pleasure of watching wrestling on it!

The other great thing about a big screen TV is the details you pick up – such as, Kane might be shaving his chest, but he had some serious beard scruff happening. Man I love me some scruff!

Goddamn but I love seeing those abs! HAWT!!!

“Big Show battles back with gigantic force.”

Mmmm, back muscles!

That’s gotta hurt!

“The Devil’s Favorite Demon looks for help from The Shield.”

Cos, yanno, everyone takes orders from their boss when he’s sitting there bare-chested with his six pack on display … -snickering-

I’m with you, Kane – this looks like a case of gross insubordination to me!

Puzzled!Kane is adorkable, even when he’s also Half-naked!Kane, who is just sex on a freakin’ stick!

“The Hounds of Justice are reluctant to back WWE’s Director of Operations … ”

Oh man, that move from Kane when he pulls himself up in the corner is all kinds of hot! Plus it features more rippling muscles!

” … and get an earful as a result.”

I would so not be listening to a word he said. Because abs. Dear gods, the abs.

… abs

… muscles

I’m sorry, what were you saying? 😉

… scruff

Pardon me, I believe my ovaries have just a’sploded. Again.

“In the commotion, Big Show catches the distracted opponent with a chokeslam.”

And damnit, why aren’t we getting the 180 degree of this camera angle? Because judging by the handful of Kane’s dress pants Big Show has there, we’d get an excellent package view! 😉

I guess we’ll have to make do with acres of rippling back muscles instead!

Holy. Crap.

Definitive proof – no VPL!

And yes, we welcome back with love the Kane fangirl who chooses the photos for the web. While SmackDown is once again the red-headed stepchild of the shows, with a shoddy write-up for the results even though they have three days to do it, and half the programming being “Raw rebounds” because god forbid we should miss any of Raw for the second time around, this photo makes up for it!

As usual, there is speculation between Pats and I that the Kane fangirl is actually an exceedingly not-hetero photographer. And yanno what? There’s nothing wrong with that! Except he’s got to stand in line behind us!

Kane has a superlatively great ass, doesn’t he? 😉

“Big Show stands tall over his fallen opponent.”

No, that should read: Kane looks pornographically lovely flat on his back like that!

Hot damn, he’s in good shape!

“After Kane attacks Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns delivers a Spear to WWE’s Director of Operations.”

More acres of rippling back muscles!

So, next week, The Shield are gonna get reprimanded for putting their hands on management, right? 😉

“Reigns, Ambrose & Rollins stand united over the fallen corporate executive.”

Kane ends up on his back again … yummy!

Poor Kane – need someone to kiss a boo-boo better? 😉

WWE.com has video here, kicking off with an awesome chokeslam off the top rope by Kane, followed by another Kane-tanty thirty seconds later when he doesn’t get the three count he was looking for!

Seriously, when Kane’s in the corner at around 0:50, looking at Rollins and saying, “Why do you think you’re out here? Let’s go!” … damn. I think the response to that is supposed to be, “Yes boss!”

Watch at 1:05 when he just effortlessly pulls himself up using the ropes … hot.

Then at 1:30 with, “Do you know who I am? I’m the boss!”

He can boss me around any day!

Unfortunately, by 2:00, it’s all over bar the shouting, as Kane walks into the chokeslam from Show.

There is however a teeny moment during the replay of that where the extra room in Kane’s rassling dress pants gives us a glimpse of a leetle more of his hip than expected – watch real close and you’ll see it. that wardrobe malfunction may yet happen!

Love how Kane hauls Rollins into the ring by the hair, then gets levelled by Reigns’ Spear. And sells it for all he’s worth – that’s how you put a guy over, Triple H – you ought to try it some time. 😉

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14 March 2014: SmackDown preview – Kane

So, no Kane on Raw this week, except for a backstage bit with The Shield.

Apparently, now that DBryan and his #YesMovement have successfully taken off, Kane is now going to get The Shield over. Because that’s what his job description as Director of Operations says.

But we did hear that Kane would be going up against Big Show on SmackDown!

(snagged this one from the WWE’s official Facebook – I’m sure there was a SmackDown preview on WWE.com at some point but, yeah, yanno, I missed it.)

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