12 August 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Kane def. Titus O’Neil

As Kane steps further and further back into his personal darkness to prepare for Bray Wyatt at SummerSlam, it was Titus O’Neil who caught the brunt of The Big Red Monster’s long-dormant sadism on the final Raw before the summer classic. Despite an attempted distraction by Darren Young, Kane sealed “The Big Deal’s” fate with a Chokeslam to the tag-team stalwart, although he was hardly out of the woods when the lights in the ring cut out to herald the arrival of The Wyatt Family. But before the backwoods clan could strike, Kane materialized atop the stage, taunting Bray Wyatt from afar before summoning his signature flames to engulf his foes in their own personal inferno.

Kane 12 August 2013 – Kane vs. Titus O’Neil: Photos

Man oh man, seeing these digitals just makes me miss Kane even more.

HolyMaryMotherOfGod, the strength of Kane! A vertical suplex on a guy as big as Titus O’Neil?

Plus we get rippling back and shoulder muscles as a bonus!

And a dropkick to the face, how’s that sound, Titus? 😉

Ah, Darren? That’d be a real bad idea, son!

One mother of a chokeslam for Titus, and that’s all she wrote!

Now, see, there’s the only rub with the creepy entrance, Bray – it takes so long even a big guy like Kane can book from the ring under cover of darkness and get away before you get there!

Oh, and did I mention he’s got this way with fire? 😉

Not to mention looking hotter than hell under red lights!

WWE.com has video here – enjoy!

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9 August 2013: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Kane def. 3MB in a 3-on-1 Handicap Match

Kane sent a terrifying message of dominance by destroying 3MB in a 3-on-1 Handicap Match on SmackDown, immediately after which Bray Wyatt appeared on the TitanTron with a targeted — and creepy — message of his own for The Big Red Monster.

Addressing their upcoming Ring of Fire Match at SummerSlam, Wyatt claimed to be “already dead” and professed no fear for The Devil’s Favorite Demon.

Blink and you’ll miss it appearance – honestly? That’s all Kane is worth, even when they’re supposed to be building to a PPV match, a PPV which is one of the “big four”?

Wow. Way to be under-appreciated.

Kane 9 August 2013 – Kane vs. 3MB: Photos

Red lights mean only one thing in WWE. 😉

Well hello there sexy!

Ahhh, shoulderporn – how I’ve missed you!

I’m not sure which is worse – Kane being Rey Mysterio’s personal J.O.B. Squad, or him being thrown in against the current J.O.B. Squad.

He still looks damn good doing it, but it burns my ass he’s not getting better booking.

…

Ahem.

…

Yeah, you all know where I’m looking!

Damn fine!

So flexible! And yes, shoulderporn – so much shoulderporn!

So maybe the idea was to make Kane look like the upstoppable monster he used to be, by showing him beating up three guys on his own.

Would be a great idea … if the three guys weren’t 3MB, who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag!

That said, oh man, those thighs are epic!

And then we have acres of rippling back muscles and shoulderporn and all is right with the world!

That is one lusciously fine hunk of manflesh right there!

Seeya, Jinder – thanks for playing!

Kane is in such amazing shape!

Now it’s Kane’s turn to be taunted from the Titan-tron – seriously, they really are writing this by numbers at this point. Step 1 is this, Step 2 is this … I honestly can’t tell you the last time I saw anything new or innovative in storytelling when it came to the WWE. No wonder I can’t really be bothered watching except for Kane.

If there’s one guy who can make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear by being as good as he is, it’s Kane.

Mmmmm, close up. Fuzzy shoulder hairs! Suggestion of chest hair … yep, all good!

Yadda yadda yadda – why not just come out and say, “Look, here’s how it’s gonna go down – they’re gonna say stuff to one another this week. Next week they’ll interfere in one another’s matches, or do run-ins after matches. Then they’ll have a match at SummerSlam? Got it? Good! Moving on!”

But if we could have five minutes or so of alternating close ups and shots like this of Kane in the ring? Maybe doing a little flexing? Yeah, that’d be great.

😉

Man, I miss seeing Kane on my TV!

WWE.com has video here – enjoy!

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5 August 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

Howdy folks. Back after a long absence. There’s just nothing that depresses me more than not seeing Kane on my TV. But I am taking solace in the fact that See No Evil 2 has wrapped and Kane is all over my Facebook on the promotional trail after New York Comic Con recently!

So, in an attempt to get the backlog out of the way before Kane makes his return to wrestling (lord only knows what he’ll be doing, because I think right now, Raw and SmackDown are being written by the proverbial ten thousand monkeys at ten thousand typewriters. Only said monkeys are yet to reach the point where they’re turning out the works of Shakespeare …), expect a mini-deluge of posts! You’re welcome! 😉

Now, I just have to remember how I do this thing …

From WWE.com:

Luke Harper & Erick Rowan def. Tons of Funk

Can Tons of Funk get down to a little “Dueling Banjos?” The boogieing big men met their match on Monday when they stepped into action against Luke Harper & Erick Rowan of The Wyatt Family and ended up with a vicious thrashing from the backwoods brutes. Despite Brodus Clay’s attempt to save Tensai from Harper and Rowan, the Wyatt disciples overwhelmed the big men and scored a particularly brutal win.

Bray Wyatt himself, as always, went for the last word by pulverizing Brodus with his signature STO and another eerie pontification. But the preacher was denied the pleasure of a clean exit when Kane appeared on the TitanTron and issued an ominous promise to trap “The Eater of Worlds” inside a “Ring of Fire,” setting the ring posts ablaze to prove his point. Looks like anger management is out the window, then.

Crap Wrestling Writing 101: How to do a half-assed build for a PPV match – check!

-facepalm- You think it’s because they knew at this point that Kane was going to be off in Vancouver filming the movie, and had to come up with a quick way to write him off TV?

Kane 5 August 2013 – Tons of Funk v.s Luke Harper & Erick Rowan: Photos

“Wyatt watches as Kane finally addresses him.”

Red lights can only mean one thing in the WWE.

” “When you pull the wings off buzzards for fun, it becomes impossible to follow them, Bray,” Kane says. “I don’t condemn your intentions. I see through the haze of your cryptic words.” ”

I’m glad you do, Kane, because to me it’s still crap writing from 10,000 monkeys. That said, the Wyatt Family gimmick is kind catchy. Love the entrance, and man, Wyatt himself is wayyyyyy out there in the ring. (Although can’t seem to avoid injuries, which will be a drawback).

So now I’m waiting for WWE to fuck it up. Pretty much betting at this point that when Kane comes back, there’ll be no mention whatsoever of the Wyatt Family “feud”.

So desperate for a Kane sighting, I’d even take him on the Titan-tron at this point … wait, that came out all wrong! 😉

” “At SummerSlam, I’m going to show you the reason I am The Devil’s Favorite Demon,” he says, challenging Wyatt.”

Well, I know why he’s my favourite demon. Hint: it’s the tights! 😉

WWE.com has video here – enjoy!

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29 July 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

He’s BACK!! So glad that cervical trauma and brain injury healed so quick! 😉

From WWE.com:

Daniel Bryan def. Kane

With friends like these, who needs enemies? Any hesitance Daniel Bryan had at facing down Kane in a McMahon-mandated battle between the former anger management mates evaporated early on, as the No. 1 contender unleashed a furious barrage of kicks on his pal, eager to prove he had the ruthlessness necessary to dethrone John Cena at SummerSlam.

Looking to rediscover his long-dormant rage, Kane certainly returned the favor, blocking the submission master’s kicks and locking in for a Chokeslam that seemed to seal the bout. That is, until “Mr. Small Package” struck The Devil’s Favorite Demon with his eponymous maneuver, pinning his friend for the win and suffering a post-match Chokeslam as recompense.

Kane’s night quickly deteriorated, however, when Bryan departed to lick his wounds and The Wyatt Family returned to target The Big Red Monster again. And even though Kane took the fight straight to Bray in his rocking chair, it wasn’t enough to stop Erick Rowan and Luke Harper from pulverizing him once more while Bray delivered yet another sermon that promised further punishment.

Hmmmm. If they’re building to something at SummerSlam, they might want to hurry it along a bit – this is beginning to get tedious.

Kane 29 July 2013 – Daniel Bryan vs. Kane: Photos

“Daniel Bryan is the No. 1 contender to the WWE Championship!”

Dear gods, fuzzy forearm hair!

-fans self-

Seriously, this whole match was a porn-fest of rippling muscles!

“On Raw, his opponent is his former tag team partner, Kane.”

Shoulderporn!

Honestly, I spent the whole match drooling!

How long was Kane off TV? Because it felt like fucking forever! Welcome back, baby! Also? Shoulderporn! -drools-

That cervical trauma ain’t affecting his dropkick none! (Seriously, never going to get tired of poking fun at that lame story!)

…

You know that moment when you see Kane in comparison with some everyday thing, and realise just how fucking tall he is? Look at the length of his leg to the knee, compared to DBryan’s.

Yeah, that is one big guy!

And holy crap, loving the shoulderporn for having missed it!

-snickering- The one good thing about DBryan getting a “corporate makeover” would be not having hair that Kane can grab in handfuls!

That said, swear to God, the shoulderporn in this match damn near makes it X-rated!

Big man. So flexible!

That massive bicep. I have impure thoughts about it. Well okay, I have impure thoughts about pretty much every part of Kane – but work with me here! 😉

Nice try, DBryan!

Not a happy camper!

But sweet zombie jesus, that chest …

And this would be what happens to you when you piss off the Big Red Monster!

This was pretty damned impressive – kudos to DBryan for attempting the move, but major props have to go to Kane for being athletic enough to pull it off!

The rippling muscles in that massive arm there are just the best kind of bonus!

Best – and damn near the most athletic! – ass in the company!

“Bryan will challenge John Cena for the WWE Title at SummerSlam.”

If they said that once, during this match, they said it a hundred times. Also, the minute someone said if Kane beat DBryan in this match, that would make him next number 1 contender, I knew he was going to lose.

But oops, wrong camera angle for this move! Clearly shows that DBryan lands over Kane’s shoulder, instead of kneeing him in the face! 😉

However, keeping kayfabe alive and well, Kane goes down anyway!

Tangential thought here, rather than just dwelling on the chest and shoulderporn – it seemed to me there was less weave attached to the mask, and more of Kane’s real hair.

That’s pretty damned hot!

Damn, but the sight of that big luscious man on his back is …

Yeah. You all know where my mind went!

Moving on!

😉

I still say we need to buy those gals in Wardrobe a brewery for this version of Kane’s costuming. How did we live without the epic muscleporn without it?

Diving clothesline – squeee!

If you’re wondering why I’m always so squee about the diving clothesline, it’s because I know that if there’s ever a time Kane stops using it – being as how it’s an athletic, high impact move – it’ll be because he’s getting to that point where he can’t do it, and I’ll know he’s thinking about hanging up his boots.

So yeah, every time I see it, I’m excited!

Nice drop toehold, DBryan – probably the only way to get Kane off his feet at this point!

And again, kudos to Kane for being flexible enough to be able to do a roll up for DBryan’s finisher!

“Bryan earns the victory over his former Team Hell No partner.”

Not such a fan of the kicking! Although I’m pretty sure Kane grabbed him for a goozle before he could get in the one at his head!

“After the match, The Wyatt Family appears.”

I dunno, these guys are growing on me. The promos were weird and intriguing, and damn it, this entrance is pretty damn fantastic!

“Kane tries to level Bray Wyatt with a chokeslam.”

Oh you got to watch out for those smart monsters! The lights came up and Kane was in the ring with the two muscleheads.

And he immediately bolted out of the ring and headed for Wyatt in his rocking chair!

I cheered!

“Instead, Kane is taken out by Luke Harper’s giant boot.”

Right, so Luke’s the dark one – I’ll get their names right eventually!

But Kane got plenty of licks in before this!

“Wyatt hits The Big Red Monster with his vicious finisher.”

Which starts with … a kiss?

What the fuck?

Maybe it’s meant to be like the kiss of death from a mobster, but I personally heard the duelling banjos from Deliverance!

And we’re back to Kane flat on his back – happy place!

“I heard you like to call yourself The Devil’s Favorite Demon, buy you, sir, are no demon!” Wyatt says to Kane. “You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of because you never know who might be listening.”

So, Wyatt knows someone who has knowledge of demons? And he’s been instructing Kane to “follow the buzzards”. Buzzards who feed on the dead?

Could all the stories about how ‘Taker is too injured to come back for SummerSlam and take on The Shield with Kane be one massive smokescreen to blind us to his involvement in this storyline instead?

I have SO got my fingers crossed!

WWE.com have two lots of video – first, there’s the actual match here and then of the Wyatt Family attack here – enjoy!

Hear tell there was also a segment with that idiot Brad Maddock backstage – haven’t seen Raw in its entirety yet (i.e. haven’t fast forwarded through all the other crap for the Kane bits), but hit up Hulu or YouTube if you’re interested!

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8 July 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

(Running very late with these, folks – but Kane being out “injured” means very little enthusiasm for WWE right now!)

From WWE.com:

Kane def. Christian; The Wyatt Family attacked Kane

Kane had the very definition of a mixed evening on Raw, defeating Christian in the second All-Star confrontation but also becoming the first Superstar to suffer the wrath of The Wyatt Family in the process.

The Devil’s Favorite Demon faced a stiff challenge in Christian, who certainly made his case for One. More. Match. by keeping Kane on the defensive for the duration of the bout. Christian’s success went to his head, though, and he attempted a too-early Spear that led to a Chokeslam … and that’s when the lights cut out and Bray Wyatt’s final dispatch played to the WWE Universe. Moments later, the Wyatts themselves emerged from the darkness and laid siege to The Devil’s Favorite Demon.

While Bray Wyatt watched from a rocking chair at ringside, Erick Rowan and Luke Harper decimated Kane with the steel steps, leaving him in a heap before Wyatt knelt beside the fallen form of his first victim … but most likely not his last.

Well, fuck.

Kane 8 July 2013 – Kane vs. Christian; The Wyatt Family debuts: Photos

Looking just as fine as fuck!

“Kane clamps down on the throat of Christian.”

And provides shoulderporn!

Even blurry shoulderporn is good shoulderporn!

“Captain Charisma fights back and takes flight.”

Right into an uppercut, if I’m any judge of body language! 😉

Told ya!

But oh my freakin’ gods, that is some spectacular shoulder and back porn there, even some chest porn for good measure!

Not to mention a stupendous ass!

OW!

But damn, shoulderporn!

Oh now I know they’re just fucking with me – this is nothing but a gratuitous ass shot! 😉

Followed by a gratuitous crotch shot!

Well no, it’s not, but you know where my eyes immediately went, right?

“Kane battles out of Christian’s offense and hits a Chokeslam for the victory.”

Rippling shoulder muscles and all – oh yeah!

Sweet Mother of Christ, those shoulders!

And that body! I swear, he is a walking wet dream!

The line of his thigh to his hip is a singular thing of beauty …

“The Big Red Monster is elated with his win … ”

As well he should be!

” … until the frightening Wyatt Family, led through darkness by Bray Wyatt’s lantern, make their long-anticipated debut.”

One of the few times Vince ramming something down out throats for months has actually worked! These guys have a truly creepy vibe, and that entrance is something!

“When the lights turned back on, Erick Rowan and Luke Harper were in the ring and ready to pounce on Kane.”

Well duh, so would we!

Wait.

Wrong kind of pouncing, perhaps! 😉

Definitely the wrong kind of pouncing, as they held an ass-kicking party in Kane’s honour.

“Bray Wyatt watched the carnage unfold from a rocking chair at ringside.”

Which likewise was creepy as!

“Wyatt’s monstrous associates decimated Kane with the steel ring steps.”

Man, I winced seeing this! I know they didn’t actually hit him with the steps, but think about it – Kane’s head was against steel, and then these steps slammed into that. His ears must have been ringing for days!

Okay, so is this the new pattern? Bring in a stable of three guys and have them target Kane?

And then we get these photos, which give me that uneasy feeling. I know it was a work, but what if?

Damn you, Kane, for being such a good actor and making me wonder if it was real!

“EMTs rushed to Kane’s aid in the aftermath of The Wyatt Family’s assault.”

Aww man, stop doing that! Even if I know it’s a work, it freaks me out!

WWE.com has video of the match here, and then of The Wyatt Family attack here.

Now, immediately after RAW, there was an “article” on WWE.com about Kane’s condition. And it had Pats and I in stitches!

I can’t find the article on WWE.com – it may have been yanked because so many people pointed out the complete and utter bullshit of it, but here’s the gist from one of the dirtsheets:

WWE is playing up Kane’s “injuries” in an article stating that Kane was injured by the Wyatt Family on Monday night’s episode of Raw. Their article noted that Kane was stretchered from ringside and his cervical spine was immobilized with a cervical collar.

Dr. Chris Amann said that Kane was coherent in the ambulance, but they are concerned that he may have suffered “any sort of brain or cervical spine trauma that may be significant enough to either warrant surgery, or an extended period of time away from the ring.”

The article questioned Kane’s status for this Sunday’s WWE Money In The Bank pay-per-view, and that they would provide further updates.

Below is an excerpt from an article on WWE.com:

“Due to the head and neck trauma suffered by Kane, we precautiously immobilized his cervical spine with a cervical collar. He’s been transported to a local trauma facility and is currently undergoing further evaluation.”

Following the attack, Kane was carted off on a stretcher and taken to a local medical facility.

“After [Kane] was put into the ambulance, he was coherent; he was speaking to us and following simple commands. The biggest concern that we have is any sort of brain or cervical spine trauma that may be significant enough to either warrant surgery, or an extended period of time away from the ring.”

And that last bit is the part we were laughing about – what kind of quack doesn’t know the difference between a brain injury and a cervical spine trauma, for fuck’s sake? And how does being coherent and following commands rule either of those out?

Jesus wept – get some better writers if you’re gonna be putting such out-and-out fiction on your website guys!

Anyway, the article three days later says much the same thing, and questions if Kane will be at Money in The Bank.

Which of course he wasn’t. And hasn’t been seen since.

Remains to be seen how long he’ll be off – and no word on whether he’s nursing a legitimate injury (other than this supposed brain or cervical spine bullshit).

And so I say again … well, fuck.

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1 July 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

The Money in the Bank All-Stars confronted each other

IOWA – As it turns out, placing five WWE Superstars in the presence of the WWE Championship contract induces the sports-entertainment equivalent of a feeding frenzy. What began as the latest sermon from Daniel Bryan soon turned into a six-way standoff when the submission master’s guarantee of victory brought out Sheamus, then Randy Orton, then Kane, then Christian, and finally CM Punk to add fuel to the fire.

As tensions rose and egos came to the forefront in the shadow of the coveted contract, the Superstars got overly antsy and Kane found himself the unwitting recipient of an RKO when he attempted to back Bryan up against an understandably irritable Orton. In fact, the only Superstar conspicuous by his absence in the scrum was Rob Van Dam, although Mr. Monday Night’s actions will surely do all the talking for him in a few weeks’ time.

Kane 1 July 2013 – The Money In The Bank All-Stars get in a heated confrontation: Photos

After a lot of yadda yadda yadda (and bless Sheamus for bringing up Daniel Bryan’s 18 second defeat at WrestleMania last year!) …

“I agree, Randy, no one is safe, especially you,” Kane says.

“It’s every man for himself,” The Big Red Monster says, “No partners, no friends, only victims.”

Ooh, ooh, pick me!

😉

“I am, without a doubt, the best!” Captain Charisma says.

Ah, beg to differ there, Christian – you were one of the bodies Kane left laying in 2010 when he quite literally beat everyone to win the Money in The Bank Ladder Match!

“Not only am I ‘The Best in the World’, I’m the best at the Money in The Bank Ladder Match,” (Punk) says.

Yadda yadda yadda. I’d argue Edge was better, but then I am so fuckin’ over CM Punk right now, it’s not even funny.

“Nobody can touch me in this ring,” Punk says.

O rly? Seem to recall a certain Dead Man touching you and beating you at WrestleMania, smartass. Beating you so bad you tucked your tail between your legs and ran off for months. And trust me, you are too damn young to be pulling that part timer status.

And damn, didn’t I wish RVD had come out when Punk started mouthing off about him! 😉

“Orton practices what he preaches and RKOs Kane after The Big Red Monster tried to protect his former tag team partner, Bryan.”

Ouch!

Having said that, I’m not entirely displeased at the idea of more Kane/Randy matches.

And I’m never averse to seeing that big luscious hunk of manflesh flat on his back! 😉

“The Money in the Bank All-Stars stare each other down on RAW.”

While we get to stare at Kane’s ass – seems legit! 😉

Shoulderporn and what the hell, DBryan? Is that First Position? -snickering-

WWE.com has video here.

Again, from WWE.com:

Kane def. Randy Orton

Yes, The Devil’s Favorite Demon did, indeed, put The Viper’s shoulders to the mat for a three-count. But thanks to special guest referee Daniel Bryan, that three-count was a mighty fast one, and didn’t sit too well with The Big Red Monster at all.

Bryan’s gig in the zebra stripes was, ostensibly, a mea culpa by the former World Champion for his misstep on SmackDown. But Bryan seemed less concerned with officiating the bout than gift-wrapping the win for Kane, going so far as to disqualify Orton before restarting the match at Kane’s insistence. But Bryan wasn’t done swinging the momentum, preventing the RKO and giving Kane the victory with the aforementioned fast-count after The Big Red Monster decked The Viper with a boot to the face. The ill-gotten victory left Kane so mad that he nearly punished Bryan with a Chokeslam of his own, though he ultimately let his former partner walk. Orton, however, had no such qualms, blasting Bryan with an RKO that had to, all things considered, have felt pretty good.

Again, a priceless backstage segment to set this up – which WWE doesn’t seem to have on their website, so hit up YouTube if you haven’t seen it. If only for the delicious close up of Kane featuring that chest hair! -drools!-

Kane 1 July 2013 – Kane vs. Randy Orton: Photos

“Randy Orton’s opponent is fellow Money in the Bank All-Stars competitor, Kane.”

Slurpalicious! 😉

-gigglefits- Okay, I know Kane isn’t in this picture, but dear gods, Randy’s “Bitch please” smirk there is killing me! Mostly because I suspect he’s about to burst out laughing at DBryan’s “officiating”!

Sweet merciful heavens, right into the action and there’s rippling shoulderporn a-plenty!

Kane is most definitely moving from comedic but adorkable back to kick ass and take no prisoners!

“Earlier in the night, Orton hit Kane with a vicious RKO!”

Kane’s got some great legs … 😉

-gigglefits- “Not the face, man!”

Another angle on that dropkick, and seriously, it’s so damn cool Kane is still pulling off these athletic moves!

Oh my, that ass …

Randy’s got hold of Kane’s weave … actually, it’s not going to be too long before Kane’s own hair has grown out to the length of the weave!

“Will The Viper continue to get the upper hand against Kane on RAW?”

Dunno, but it’s providing wonderful shoulderporn!

There is nothing good can come from this look!

See? Toldya!

Nice long match – me likes!

Another angle on that dropkick.

“Bryan calls for the match to be stopped. “Disqualification, you win!” he says to his former Team Hell No partner, Kane.”

-giggling- Kane was so adorkable, demanding for the match to be restarted!

“Kane forces Bryan to restart the match.”

And Randy pays the price!

Can’t remember if there was growling here – there should have been!

I know there’s shoulderporn!

And a sidewalk slam!

Followed by a scoop slam!

Uh oh, hanging DDT …

“The intense action continues between the Money in the Bank All-Stars opponents.”

You know, I think I’ve worked out why Kane and Randy can’t have a bad match.

It’s because both of them have clearly defined characters, with a backstory, with history that comes from years of -gasp!- storylines! These guys can take those characters and tell a story with a match.

The new guys, who don’t get storylines, who have characters that fit like Goodwill store pants, haven’t got that to build from. It’s way harder to get in the ring and go from zero to interesting.

Kane and Randy aren’t going from zero, they already have momentum behind them because of the characters, the backstory, the history in their storylines. They’re already revved up and it takes them nothing flat to get to white-knuckle, hang on for dear life territory.

And I’m afraid that doesn’t bode well for the future, except for the couple of guys who are “pet projects”.

Bad Randall! No!

Oh sweet jesus – shoulderporn, that massive bicep and fuzzy forearm hair? Call a code, I’m crashing!

“After a very quick three-count, Bryan declares Kane the winner.”

Kane is surprised!

“The former tag team partners argue after the match.”

And seriously? Text book example of telling the story without microphones. The demonstration of the quick count by Kane had me in stitches!

And when talking won’t get your point across? There’s always a chokeslam!

“Kane opts not to hit Bryan with the chokeslam.”

What chokeslam?

(Yeah, you all know where I’m looking!)

😉

Damn, that man has some long legs!

WWE.com has match video here and an App exclusive here.

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28 June 2013: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Randy Orton def. Kane

After making Randy Orton tap out in a furious Street Fight on Raw, Daniel Bryan offered Kane his help – whether he wanted it or not – in The Big Red Monster’s SmackDown contest against The Viper.

Later, Bryan joined the SmackDown announce team, as two of his fellow Money in the Bank All-Star combatants battled it out. In the final moments, after the action spilled outside the ring and Orton managed to make his way back through the ropes, Bryan chose to make good on his earlier offer.

As Kane was still recollecting himself, the submission specialist “helped” the still-reeling Devil’s Favorite Demon into the ring and the waiting RKO from WWE’s Apex Predator. After Orton got the three-count, Bryan headed up the ramp with the hint of a smile on his face.

And again, before the match, you have to check out the backstage bit where DBryan offers Kane his help.

Because that’s just porn-eriffic! Mostly because you can see Kane’s unshaven chest hairs. Well, you can on my big screen TV! 😉

And that’s just all kinds of hot! That plus all that lovely skin. And the audio porn. And yeah, just … everything!

Ahem.

Oh yeah, the digitals! This way!

Kane 28 June 2013 – Randy Orton vs. Kane: Photos

Ohhh, the dark brooding monster – me likes!

-mad snickering fit-

Okay, so the next digital isn’t of Kane, but I have to include it because … well, Alex will know why!

It reminded me of this!

Which I immediately reposted to my Facebook, because hello? Cat doing an RKO impersonation! 😉

Also!

The wickedly funny Brendon Burns was tweeting along with SmackDown this week, and came up with this gem concerning Randy:

Brendon Burns @brendonburns
Sir! You are so bizarrely orange I can’t tell if the fire has gone out or not

-snickering-

Man, these two always have great matches!

And another diving clothesline! Now with added rippling muscles! -drools-

Oh and we had growling! I think it was with this hold, Kane growling at the ref to “Ask him!”

I loves me some growling!

This one actually gives me shivers! It’s such a … calmly adjusting my glove here, before I take Randy Orton limb from limb, yanno?

Plus, fuzzy forearm hairs!

Ooh, Randall was on my shit list for this! That whole “move around the guy and stomp all his extremities”! Bad Randall!

Hel-lo baby!

Camera angle WIN!

😉

Oh this is where Kane was growling for Mike Chioda to “Ask him!” Cos Kane had that Vulcan neck pinch really locked in there!

[/nerd moment]

😉

Plus, awesome shoulderpornage!

Dropkick to the face! Yes!

And more shoulderpornage!

-snickering- DBryan up on the announce table, with the “Yes!” chants for Kane!

Randy’s adding moves to his repertoire – classic Lou Thesz press here! (After he told a reporter people shouldn’t criticise John Cena’s “five moves of doom” because “I only have about four myself.”)

Ouch!

But shoulderporn!

I do love that scoop slam of Randy’s!

Not so much when he’s using it on Kane …

Also not such a fan of the hangman DDT when it’s on Kane. Although, bonus points for inverted shoulderporn!

Whoa! Rattled Randy’s teeth with that one!

Sidewalk slam!

Oh baby …

Oh baby …

Oh!

Yeah, three guesses where I’m looking and the first two don’t count.

What chokeslam?

-fans self-

Brawling outside the ring!

Man, Kane’s shoulders …

-drools-

Another angle on the shoulderporn and back muscles – lord have mercy!

Now pardon me for pointing this out, but Kane didn’t appear to need help to get back into the ring at this point. Being as he was, you know, upright and moving under his own steam at the time.

This does not count as not being upright. This is just a generous helping of purely fucking awesome shoulderporn!

Which leaves me a little lightheaded!

Say what?

Weird ass camera angle! And hello? How helpful did that look, on a scale where 1 is not at all helpful and 10 is I couldn’t have done it without you! 😉

Let’s just take a look at that from our patented shoulderporn camera! 😉

Right into an RKO – nuts!

Yeah, yeah, Randy doing the “Fuck you, I am cat” in the background, but get a load of the big luscious hunk of manflesh on his back in the foreground!

And yeah, you know where I’m looking!

Awww, confused Kane is adorkable!

WWE.com has match video here – enjoy!

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17 June 2013: RAW digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Kane def. U.S. Champion Dean Ambrose via Disqualification

Dean Ambrose retained his U.S. Title via Count-out at WWE Payback, and a similar technicality kept Old Glory in his taped-up hands Monday night … although the consequences may be more severe than the Cincinnati madman and his men-at-arms anticipated.

Ambrose had been scrapping with Kane in their rematch for the title on Raw, and although Kane had claimed the advantage the pair had barely even gotten out of the gate when Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns swarmed the ring, laying The Big Red Monster out with the Triple Powerbomb. The statement was delivered, but given Triple H’s earlier edict, a strong reaction from Vickie Guerrero may yet be in order … at least, that’s what Mr. McMahon seems to be expecting.

But before we even get to Kane’s match, we get this little scene backstage!

Kane 17 June 2013 – Kane vs. Dean Ambrose – United States Championship Match: Photos

Now why the fuck are we having this rematch a day after the PPV?

Not objecting to big red and luscious on my screen but seriously? Waste of Kane’s post-match promo at the PPV when he alluded to what he’d do to Ambrose next time they had a match.

Take that, run with it, make it a match at the next PPV. Don’t just throw it into Raw the next night to fill up the endless three hours.

That said, yep, Kane looks good under red lights, as usual!

Holy freakin’ hells, those thighs are really epic! Don’t mind me, I’ll just be here drooling over the line of muscle there …

And a diving clothesline – squeeee!

Oh yeah, Kane was handing Ambrose an ass-whuppin’ and a half!

And hell yeah, I like the power slam Kane’s added to his repertoire!

Unfortunately, The Shield soon interfered and Kane copped a spear from Roman Reigns.

And then it took all three of them to power bomb him … hell, it takes all three of them to power bomb anyone!

Acres of rippling back muscles go before a fall … 😉

And yep, still in favour of seeing Kane stretched out on his back, if only for the inspirational value of such a pose! 😉

Ambrose running his mouth – please, by all that’s unholy, let this be leading up to Kane and ‘Taker deciding to put The Shield in their places, seeing as how Vickie can’t …

Oh. My. God.

What if Vickie decides the only ones who can put The Shield in their places are the Brothers of Destruction?

I’m not gonna get my hopes up, though – Creative couldn’t possibly be that clever.

Still, it’d be sweet seeing Kane and ‘Taker put that mouthy Ambrose in his place!

Hurt/comfort impulses surging to the fore! (Followed closely by a veritable army of lustful thoughts … oops, did I say that out loud?)

WWE.com has match video here – enjoy!

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16 June 2013: Payback 2013 digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

United States Champion Dean Ambrose def. Kane via Count-out

BY Anthony Benigno

CHICAGO – Facing Kane in his second defense of the United States Championship, Dean Ambrose walked through hell, fire and brimstone and came out smelling like a rose on the other side, standing tall at WWE Payback and taking advantage of a time-honored rule to keep his star-spangled championship from the gloved clutches of The Devil’s Favorite Demon.

Thrust into the last-minute match by Vickie Guerrero following a Disqualification loss to Kane on Raw, Ambrose was on the defensive from the start in his inaugural pay-per-view defense of Old Glory, using his speed to avoid the hammering attacks of The Big Red Monster and getting his licks in where he could.

His opportunities were few at first. Kane spared no animosity in his pursuit of Ambrose’s championship. Perhaps he felt somewhat liberated without Daniel Bryan at his side, or perhaps the urgency of the match – the U.S. Title remains the only championship Kane has not won in WWE – spurred him to action. But whatever his motivation, Kane was in rare form for the contest, throwing heavy punches and tossing Ambrose around at will in the bout’s opening minutes to literally bring the champion to his knees.

Ambrose’s quick thinking kept him in the running after he targeted Kane’s ankle in an attack that left the big man at a disadvantage from which he never managed to recover. With the former World Champion compromised, Ambrose unleashed his quickness and cruelty, battering Kane and trapping him in the ropes, pausing only for an attempt to mimic The Undertaker’s legendary “Old School” maneuver.

The disrespect to his brother galvanized Kane into a final offensive frenzy, regaining the advantage before tossing Ambrose through the ropes and preparing him for a Chokeslam through the Spanish announce table. But before The Devil’s Favorite Demon could send Ambrose crashing to the cold Chicago ground, the Cincinnati scrapper retaliated with a DDT onto the floor that left Kane unable to reach the ring in time to beat the referee’s 10 count. Ambrose was (understandably) all smiles with his Count-out win and United States title retention, but given Kane’s history, the champion’s own dose of payback may yet follow.

Kane 16 June 2013 – Kane vs. Dean Ambrose – United States Championship Match: Photos

“The Devil’s Favorite Demon prepares to challenge for the United States Championship.”

Fuzzy shoulder hairs! And a glimpse of unshaven chest hairs … -faints in a puddle of drool!-

Okay, so I’m running way behind here, and this match was weeks ago … except the digitals to be little more than drooling over Kane’s lusciousness, cos I can remember sweet f-all about the actual PPV! 😉

That said … shoulderporn!

“Kane puts an early hurting on Ambrose.”

And a late one too, from memory!

Dear gods, acres of rippling muscles!

That’s it, Kane, kick that greasy, skeevy-looking mofo!

Fuzzy forearm hairs …

-whimpering- That long lean thigh …

He’s in such phenomenal shape!

Also? I think he stole that move from ‘Taker! 😉

Oh, and check out the version of this pic they posted on Kane’s official Facebook page – man, I love it when my Facebook timeline is full of Kane porn! 😉

“Ambrose latches on for a wicked sleeper hold.”

I can’t take Ambrose seriously with his undershirt coming untucked like that!

And I can take him even less seriously when it looks more like he’s wanting a horsey-back ride from Kane than applying a sleeper hold!

“The Big Red Monster attempts his signature Chokeslam.”

With acres of rippling back muscles on display – oh yeah!

Wicked right hand! Love it!

Best. Ass. In. The. Company.

I’d be hard-pressed not to give that a pat every time I saw it, frankly!

“Ambrose mugs for the Chicago crowd after he puts Kane on his back.”

I’m all for Kane on his back, frankly!

Kane has the most beautiful skin …

Shoulderporn, on his hands and knees … yeah, it’s all good!

Lord have mercy, the chest and shoulderporn is reaching critical mass!

“Despite an injury to his ankle, Kane takes flight against Ambrose and leaves him splattered on the mat.”

Say what – injury? I don’t remember that! But oh yes, diving clothesline!

Oh that looks like a growling situation! I loves me some growling Kane!

One thing I’ll say about Ambrose – boy knows how to sell!

Got to love a man who’s that flexible!

Also, he’s got some epic thighs – I’m just sayin’ is all.

😉

“A big boot sends Ambrose to the outside.”

Take that, Ambrose!

-gigglefits- It always makes me laugh at PPVs when someone starts dismantling the Spanish announce table!

And yes, it’s the Spanish announce table, because it’s always to the left of the regular broadcast table at PPVs.

“Kane prepares to send his opponent to the depths … ”

Via the Spanish announce table!

-drools- Man, the shape Kane is in is the stuff of wet dreams!

” … but Ambrose rallies and escapes to the ring for a Count-out victory.”

Hardly a clean win!

Disappointed!

And holy hells, just sexy as fuck!

Boatload of digitals – wonder if that’s a plus to a delayed posting? They’ve got time to add more digitals rather than the usual paltry 20 or so they shove up right after the PPV’s over? Shall have to investigate that!

Oh, and thanks to that stupid App (which I’m still not getting because it all ends up on the website anyway!), here’s Kane after the PPV.

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14 June 2013: SmackDown digitals – Kane

From WWE.com:

Team Hell No and Randy Orton looked to be in shambles at the start of SmackDown

GREENSBORO, N.C. – With both the United States and WWE Tag Team Titles on the line in two days at WWE Payback, “The Hounds of Justice” were handed their first clean defeat, while Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio battled World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston and Divas Champion Kaitlyn made a costly mistake.

Daniel Bryan opened SmackDown, reflecting on the greatness of Team Hell No before calling his partner, Kane, to the ring to discuss their recent differences.

Things quickly turned awkward when it seemed like Bryan was attempting to “break up” with The Devil’s Favorite Demon. When Bryan made the mistake of stating that Kane might actually be the “weak link” of Team Hell No, the submission specialist nearly suffered a chokeslam. But Randy Orton interrupted, promising to RKO The Big Red Monster if he attacked his partner before their WWE Tag Team Title Match this Sunday. Orton’s threat only served to further fuel the fires between the three volatile Superstars.

As they continued to argue, The Shield appeared on the TitanTron, stating that their SmackDown main event showdown would end the same way it always does – with a “Hounds of Justice” victory over their bickering opposition.

Kane 14 June 2013 – Daniel Bryan, Kane and Randy Orton argue as they prepare to battle The Shield: Photos

“A mere two days from WWE Payback, Daniel Bryan kicks off a crucial episode of SmackDown from the Greensboro Coliseum.”

“The submission specialist reflects on his time in WWE and the greatness of Team Hell No before calling his partner, Kane, to the ring to discuss their recent differences.”

You know, when someone calls you out the ring in WWE, it’s usually not a good thing …

Kane is a good thing though! 😉

Kane + mic = audio porn! Also a good thing!

“With Bryan desperate to prove he’s not a “weak link”, in addition to he and Kane being involved in matches for both the U.S. and WWE Tag Team Titles at WWE Payback on Sunday, the tension is high.”

Say what, DBryan? Awfully distracted by the shoulderporn!

Quote of the night: “Wait, let me get this straight … are you like breaking up with me?”

And just like that, Kane reduces me to helpless giggles!

Boys – Dr Shelby would be so disappointed!

“When Bryan foolishly states that Kane might actually be the “weak link” of Team Hell No, he nearly suffers a chokeslam from an irate Big Red Monster.”

Go Kane!

Come on, everyone has wanted to chokeslam DBryan lately, with all that “weakest link” bullshit! 😉

“Randy Orton interrupts and promises to RKO Kane if he attacks The Viper’s partner before their WWE Tag Team Title Match on Sunday, which only serves to fan the flames between the volatile Superstars.”

And Randy had the second best line of the night, with, “I know you want to chokeslam him, and I’d like to see you do it. But I need him in one piece for Sunday.”

Sadly, the digitals don’t show what I’m sure the video will – how awesome this whole segment was for crotch perving on Kane!

Ooops. Did I say that out loud?

😉

Whoa, spoke too soon! 😉

Wait up a second.

This is the first clear shot I’ve seen of the leg of Kane’s tights with the flames. And now I can confirm it – the design almost hidden under them? Is Paul Bearer’s urn.

That is so … nice one, guys. Kudos, seriously.

The Shield appears on the TitanTron to break up the trio’s arguing. WWE’s “Hounds of Justice” state that not only will Orton, Bryan and Kane lose in SmackDown’s main event, but also on Sunday.”

And again!

Here’s to the gals in wardrobe who made those new tighties extra-snug!

I still think The Shield look like they’re making their super-sekrit camera cross from their parents’ basement!

WWE.com has video of the argument here, and The Shield’s live cross from their parents’ basement here.

Again, from WWE.com:

SmackDown Results: Bryan, Orton & Kane made The Shield tap out for the first time ever!

Team Hell No & Randy Orton def. The Shield

In SmackDown’s intense main event clash, The Shield would finally be cracked. While the nefarious actions of “The Hounds of Justice” had previously caused them to lose by disqualification in six-man tag team action, SmackDown would see The Shield fall by submission or pinfall for the first time ever!

In the midst of complete disorder – with bodies flying in every direction both inside and outside the ring – Kane hurled Seth Rollins off the top rope and into the waiting RKO of The Viper! While the WWE Universe was still catching its breath, Daniel Bryan snapped in the “No!” Lock and made his black-clad adversary tap out!

Working together to achieve such a monumental win ignited an ecstatic celebration between the three Superstars and should finally put to rest Bryan’s idea that he is the “weak link.” But, will they be able to use that momentum to capture the United States and WWE Tag Team Titles this Sunday?

Kane 14 June 2013 – Kane, Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton vs. The Shield: Photos

“In SmackDown’s huge main event battle, just two days from WWE Payback, Daniel Bryan teams up with Kane & Randy Orton to battle The Shield.”

Sub-title: “In our usual lazy ass manner, we bring you the same goddamned main event booking we do for every PPV, where we throw all the guys in a couple of matches into a tag match. Enjoy!”

Oh, and just for shits and giggles? Team Hell No and Randy get the jobbers’ entrance that isn’t even shown on TV. Nice one. You think I’m getting your stupid fucking App just for that?

How’s a drop kick to the face grab ya, Rollins? You should have let the big guy have his televised entrance now, shouldn’t you?

“Reigns clotheslines Kane over the top rope, as bodies fly in every direction both inside and outside the ring in the intense Six-Man Tag Team battle.”

And what the fuck? Two shots of Kane from the match? I call such bullshit – Kane was in this match far more than that implies!

Although, I grant you, Kane tossing first Reigns and then Ambrose over the barrier into the time keeper’s area was pretty damned awesome in the closing stages!

“Kane hurls Seth Rollins off the top rope and into the waiting RKO of WWE’s Apex Predator!”

And that was likewise pretty damned cool!

“The opportunistic Bryan immediately snaps the “No!” Lock on Rollins and makes his black-clad adversary tap out, handing The Shield their first-ever loss by submission or pinfall!”

And the best part of the match was Kane’s exuberant celebrating!

“Will Kane, Orton and Bryan be able to use the momentum of this huge victory to capture the U.S. and WWE Tag Team Titles this Sunday? Tune into WWE Payback, only on pay-per-view, to find out!”

Oh come on! Now the bloody shilling extends to the digitals captions? Give it up, WWE – none of us care about Cena vs Ryback, Punk couldn’t even be bothered showing up on TV before his big return, Ziggler’s only literally just back from having his brains majorly rattled, so we know he and Del Rio aren’t going to be able to take it full tilt, and we’ve only had a few days even knowing what other matches are on the card. We just don’t fucking care. Okay? Buy rates are down because most of us aren’t even going to decide til tomorrow if we’re shelling out. Nothing you do at this point is going to change that.

Right, getting off my soapbox now – back to the more important things.

Like the near seven footer in this digital with his brilliantly excited reaction to the crowd and the moment!

Oh yeah, and . . . well, you know what I’m looking at! 😉

WWE.com has match video here – closing stages of the match.

Kane shows up around 0:45, tossing an interfering Ambrose out of the ring, only to have Reigns return the favour for him. And yep, always love to see Kane do that backflip over the top rope, whether it’s the cocky ring exit or he has an assist!

The we get to see Kane toss Reigns and Ambrose, before heading back to the ring apron for that wicked “assist” for Rollins!

Watch close around the 1:30 mark, as DBryan slaps on the “No!” Lock – Randy and Kane (out of shot mostly) are watching carefully and then they both hit the ring the moment the bell rings! So cute!

And then it’s two crack-filled minutes of celebrating, with Kane so adorkably cute it makes my brain hurt – in a good way!

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